Category: Recountals

What’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever received?

“Your self concept can never expand beyond your emotional intelligence”

What is your favorite quote?

If you don’t fill the void you have right now, even the version of you that has everything won’t be able to fill that void.  – Julian Roz

What’s a promise you made to yourself that you’ve actually kept?

For years I kept promising myself that I was gonna work on my nervous system. My emotions. I finally did. It’s a muscle. I have days when I fall back in old cycles. But I always pick myself back up eventually 🫂♥️

Flowers Don’t Always Bloom Loudly

June was quieter than I expected……and somehow, I think I needed that.

I welcomed June while I was on transit. Then, for the better part of the month, I was home.
Most of my days looked almost the same.
I’d wake up, stretch, pray, get some work done, squeeze in a few somatic exercises here and there, then do it all over again the next day.

There wasn’t much reading this month either. In fact, I’ve slowly been making peace with the fact that my season of devouring self-help books is coming to an end. Once I’m done with the one I’m currently reading, I think that’ll be enough.

Lately, I’ve found myself wanting to simply live more than constantly trying to fix myself.


A lot of family time….and my little nephew completely stole the best parts of my days.
He’s exhausting in the sweetest way imaginable.

Somewhere in between all of that, I quietly ended a number of friendships. Not because there was drama. Just that some differences are quite intense to navigate….and so those friendships had simply run their course.
Surprisingly, it didn’t feel heavy.
It felt like an exhale I didn’t know I had been holding. I have beautiful memories of those and I’m gonna remember them with a smile.

Towards the end of the month, a few beautiful souls and I found ourselves at Arboretum Kajok’oby, also known as the Tree Therapy…a little sanctuary tucked away in Kisumu.
What was once a home just like other homes…has been lovingly transformed into a space where nature quietly reminds you to slow down. And now it’s simply a safe haven.
Without a doubt, it became my favorite memory of June.

There was something about that place that settled me.
I can’t quite explain it, but I left feeling lighter than I arrived.
It’s one of those places that stays with you long after you’ve left, and I already know I’ll find my way back there.

While we were there, someone asked me a question I’ve never really liked.
“So… what do you do?”
I froze.
I stuttered.
Not because I didn’t know what I do, but because I had never quite found words that felt like home.
Later that day, I sat with myself.
As much as I still think it’s one of the most superficial questions we ask each other, I also accepted that it’s a question I’ll probably hear for the rest of my life.

Maybe people ask it because they’re trying to understand where someone fits in the world.
Personally, though, I’d be far more inclined to ask,
“What part of your work do you enjoy the most?” .…Or, “How much do you enjoy what you do?”
Those answers tell me far more about a person than a job title ever could.
But perhaps June wasn’t about changing the question.
Perhaps it was about finally making peace with it.
About answering it without feeling like I had to justify myself.

Sometimes growth arrives quietly, disguised as a conversation you’ve been avoiding.

I know we’re already well into July, but I’m still speaking good intentions over what remains of it.
May alignment continue finding me.
May I continue participating fully in my own life.
And may I continue being surprised in all the beautiful ways.

This feels like one of my quietest monthly reflections.
Maybe because I’ve been in a bit of a slump.
But not the kind that empties you. The kind that quietly rearranges you while life continues unfolding around you…..and perhaps that’s a beautiful thing too.

To the sweet stranger who happens to stumble upon these words…
Please be intentional about truly living.
Don’t wait for extraordinary moments to convince yourself that life is happening.

The ordinary days count too.

I’m wishing you beautiful moments through the rest of the year. May it unfold gently….may it unfold bravely…..and may it unfold in ways that feel true to the desires of your heart.

Cheers. 🌸

A few gems from Kajok’oby. Picture credits (Suvenia Safaris)

Hit 5,000 steps today and drop your achievement here — we’re cheering you on!

Haaaah! I tried

“Self-awareness is beautiful. It is solid ground to stand on. Until one day you realize that awareness alone changes nothing.”

Initially, you are unaware of the wounds.

Maybe because the pain has been around for so long that it no longer feels painful. Maybe numbness quietly settles in. Either way, you move through life not realizing that you’re bleeding on people.

And that’s the dangerous part.

Because even the good ones end up carrying the consequences of wounds you haven’t acknowledged.

As time goes by, simply forging ahead becomes unbearable. So what do you do? You blame everyone else but yourself.

And woe unto the people around you because you’ve grown up in an era that has the language for these things. Suddenly there are labels for everything. Father wounds. Narcissists. Attachment styles. Trauma responses.

You become fluent in describing everyone else’s role in your pain while doing everything possible to avoid looking at your own.

But even that is part of the process of growing up.

Right?

Yes.

Eventually, you get tired of being a victim.

Victimhood starts leaving a bitter taste in your mouth.

And so you begin the journey toward self-awareness.

Self-awareness is beautiful. It is solid ground to stand on. Until one day you realize that awareness alone changes nothing.

Knowing your flaws and doing nothing about them isn’t growth.

You become the person who constantly announces their wounds.

“I’m just an overthinker.”

“I’m extremely emotional.”

“This is just how I am.”

And while there is nothing wrong with being emotional or sensitive, it becomes a problem when those things become your identity. When every conversation turns into a crisis. When every misunderstanding becomes a battle. When your emotions stop being something you experience and start becoming something you weaponize.

A few years later, you grow tired of that too.

You see clearly that awareness alone isn’t enough.

So you finally begin the real work.

It is such a painful route.

It hurts.

You lose people.

Solitude becomes familiar.

Once in a while, you fall off track and slip right back into old habits. It pisses you off. But you wake up the next day promising yourself that you’ll be better and do better.

Other days, the pain becomes almost unbearable. You seek the aid of your antidepressants. You wait for the medication to settle in as you make a quiet promise to yourself….that next time, you won’t run from the pain.

You’ll sit with it.

Feel it.

Face it.

Until it no longer hurts.

You remind yourself of the cliché that healing isn’t linear. And so you begin receiving even the most painful days with grace, reminding yourself that discomfort is part of being human and part of truly living.

There are nights you cry yourself to sleep.

And then there are lighter nights. Jolly nights.

Nights where laughter returns and life feels a little softer.

Slowly, you realize that you are no longer merely trudging through life.

You are living it.

You stop running.

And somewhere along the way, it starts to feel as though flowers are growing inside your chest.

You begin approaching life with a certain lightness. A softness. A grace you never knew was possible.

You breathe deeply again.

You feel at home in your body again.

Sometimes you look back and cringe at the mistakes you made while trapped in survival mode. The things you tolerated. The things you did. The ways you abandoned yourself.

But you no longer judge that version of you.

You understand her.

You know she was doing the best she could with what she knew.

And so you thank her.

Because every wrong turn, every breakdown, every uncomfortable lesson led you here.

You no longer bleed on people.

You don’t glorify overthinking.

You no longer move through life believing the world revolves around you or that everyone is out to get you.

You have learned to sit with your emotions without drowning in them.

You allowed yourself to truly grow up.

And somewhere between all the breaking and rebuilding, you became your own north star.

And once you become your own north star, you stop searching for someone else to guide you home.

Write your guide to setting healthy boundaries in relationships.

Haaaah! Unajua nacheka kwanini? Okay let me put on my serious girl’s pants.

Usually, I say boundaries are for yourself, not the other person.

So what do I mean by that?

Let’s say you tell someone, “I don’t appreciate insults.”

That’s honestly for you.

You don’t have to negotiate it. It doesn’t have to become a debate. It doesn’t require a PowerPoint presentation explaining why basic respect matters. It is simply a standard you’ve set for yourself.

And one idea that weaves seamlessly into this is the statement….. “Everyone you interact with is you pushed out.”

Now, before anyone starts throwing tomatoes, this is how I personally understand it …. if you don’t respect yourself, you’re far more likely to tolerate people who disrespect you. If you constantly place other people on pedestals, you’ll likely find yourself attracting people who don’t fully appreciate your existence.

So, let’s jump straight into Val’s guide to setting healthy relationship boundaries.

1. Self-love

Baby, I’m going to hold your hand while yelling this…

“You cannot outsource your self-love.”

I learnt this lesson the hard way.

If you genuinely do not love yourself, who are you handing that responsibility to?

It has to begin within.

And I’m not talking about the superficial version of self-love. The spa days. The solo dates. The expensive candles.

Those things are lovely…and easy.

I’m talking about the deeper kind of self-love. The kind that starts with accepting yourself. Respecting yourself. Trusting yourself. The kind that remains even when life isn’t particularly pretty.

Healthy boundaries are built on that foundation.

2. Learn to be yours first before becoming “somebody else’s”

Can you genuinely enjoy your own company?

Not tolerate it.

Enjoy it.

Because, honey, no healthy boundary can survive extreme codependency.

If your entire identity is wrapped around another person, every boundary you attempt to set will feel like abandonment instead of self-respect.

3. Self-awareness

Are you aware of who you are at your core?

What matters to you?

What hurts you?

What makes you feel safe?

What makes you feel unseen?

Because if you don’t understand yourself, how exactly do you expect to communicate your needs to someone else?

Self-awareness is where boundaries begin.

4. Authenticity

Haaah.

Of course I’m Val. I say the word authenticity at least a million times.

But hear me out.

Boundaries are supposed to work for you.

If they’re not coming from an authentic place, how can they possibly be effective?

A boundary that exists to impress people isn’t a boundary.

A boundary that exists because TikTok told you to have it isn’t a boundary.

Your boundaries should reflect your values, not someone else’s.

5. Have a life outside the relationship

Besides the relationship, do you have a life of your own?

Friends?

Interests?

Goals?

Dreams?

A personality that exists independently?

Because if everything about your life revolves around the relationship, your boundaries won’t hold.

Relationships should complement your life, not become your entire identity.

6. Emotional regulation

Honestly, I could write an entire guide on this one.

Because if you ask me, this is where the cheat code is.

You can’t go through adulthood throwing emotional tantrums and expecting people to always understand.

At some point, you have to learn how to regulate your emotions.

You have to learn how to sit with discomfort without exploding.

You have to learn how to communicate without weaponizing your feelings.

And perhaps most importantly, you have to heal your nervous system.

Because emotional regulation strengthens self-respect.

And self-respect and boundaries are basically two peas in a pod.

Before I go, here’s a completely random bonus boundary…

Honey, please stop snooping through their phone.

No amount of investigating is going to change a cheater’s character.

If someone wants to betray your trust, they will.

And if they don’t, you’ll spend your days creating anxiety for yourself over things that may not even exist.

Save yourself the trauma.

Your peace deserves better.

Anyways that’s Val’s guide…. to setting healthy relationship boundaries. (🤣Na hamtawai jua nilikua nacheka kwanini)

Cheers

What’s the best way to build self-confidence?

Being yourself to the core.. as cliché as it sounds. Just being entirely rooted in who you are as a person is the only way I know towards building self-confidence.