When you’ve spent years allowing people to treat you carelessly, finally finding your voice can feel like discovering something you never want to lose again.
Anything that remotely resembles a threat makes you want to stand up, speak up, push back.
One morning, I’m holding a tube of Nivea sunscreen in front of my mum’s face, telling her how it’s already expired.
My mum gives me a skeptical look.
“Ebu nione.”
She takes it, gives it a good look, and says, “Bado haijaexpire.”
And of course, I get defensive.
“Mum, check. Inasema April.”
“2027,” she says.
But somehow, it still doesn’t register.
“Yeah, ishaexpire.”
So she asks me what year we’re in.
And that’s when it hits me.
To be honest, for the better part of this year, my mind has been convinced that we’re already well into 2027.
And because I write a lot in my notebook, I’ve spent a ridiculous amount of time striking through 2027 and replacing it with 2026.
I have absolutely no idea why my mind has been living a year ahead of me.
I’d love to believe that, somehow, this has been the year I’ve been the most present. But clearly, my mind has other plans.
Anyway, October.
October was a lot of things.
I’ve sat with myself, trying to make sense of the month, but one thing keeps standing out… just how palpable my emotions have been.
They’ve been right here with me.
I’d be going about my day, working or doing something completely ordinary, and suddenly my eyes would grow watery. There’d be this warmth in my chest, almost begging to be felt.
You know that feeling just before you’re about to break down?
Exactly like that.
Only it wasn’t sadness.
It was something I couldn’t quite name. And I couldn’t honestly put a finger on what was triggering it.
So I learnt to do something.
Whenever it happened, I’d quietly whisper a vulnerable little “thank you” to seemingly nothing in particular.
And then I’d smile.
And just like that, the moment would pass.
Until it happened again.
October also came with moments of intense self-doubt, especially about what I do.
My work.
Is that what I’m supposed to call it? My work? My job?
I don’t know.
There were moments when I felt incredibly small. When I questioned whether I was doing enough, whether I was good enough, whether what I do even qualifies as real work.
And those moments weighed heavily on me.
Some days, they tore me apart a little.
I also had to keep reminding myself to be present.
Which is funny, because I’d somehow convinced myself that I’d already mastered the art of being present.
Apparently not.
I had to remind myself that being a mostly silent person isn’t a weakness. At least not anymore.
And perhaps one of the biggest things I had to confront was the difference between being confrontational and genuinely standing up for myself.
Because I noticed something.
In my determination to never let anyone walk all over me again, I was slowly becoming someone who felt the need to defend herself against almost everything.
And I understand where that comes from.
When you’ve spent years allowing people to treat you carelessly, finally finding your voice can feel like discovering something you never want to lose again.
Anything that remotely resembles a threat makes you want to stand up, speak up, push back.
Because you remember what it felt like to remain silent.
And you never want to betray yourself like that again.
But I’m learning that not everything requires a confrontation.
Sometimes, standing up for yourself is quiet. Sometimes, it’s knowing what deserves your energy and what doesn’t.
I suppose I went a little near the extreme in trying to become the apology I owed my younger self.
And I’m learning to find my way back to the middle.
Besides all that, October was lovely.
Some days were unbearably hot. Others came with the most beautiful rains.
And of course, being a pluviophile, the rains will always have a special place in my heart.
The days were also strange.
They were short, but somehow long.
I’d get to the end of a day and wonder where all the hours had gone. Then the following morning, looking back at yesterday, it would feel as though an entire week had happened in that one day.
You get what I’m saying?
So when October 31st finally arrived, I found myself looking back at the month thinking, Wait. All these things happened in October alone?
But also, How did it go by so fast?
October was generous to me in ways I can’t fully explain.
I didn’t have much, but I didn’t lack.
And on the 30th, while taking a shower, I found myself whispering something to God.
“Thank you that I had access to all the priceless things. And thank you because even when I thought I was on the verge of having absolutely nothing, somehow, at the end of it all, You showed up. Just…”
I didn’t even finish that prayer properly.
But I think He understood.
Funny enough, I’d somehow convinced myself that the 30th was the last day of October.
Again, my relationship with dates needs serious intervention.
I was also strangely nervous about the month ending.
But then again, I always get a little nervous when it’s time to bid a month goodbye.
Maybe I should learn to get excited instead.
It probably explains why I only ever get around to writing my monthly recaps when we’re already several days into the next month.
Oh, and I attended a Koito!
I hope I’m getting this right, but it’s an introduction ceremony, something close to a traditional wedding.
Actually, let me not confuse you further.
It was such a lovely ceremony.
What stayed with me most wasn’t even the ceremony itself. It was the energy in that place.
It felt safe.
You know when you walk into a space full of people, most of whom you don’t know, but somehow you feel surrounded by good intentions?
Like there’s a certain warmth in the room that doesn’t require anyone to say a word to you?
That’s exactly how it felt.
I only knew my sister and her friend.
Which makes it even funnier that the people hosting the ceremony probably went through their pictures afterwards wondering who this very enthusiastic stranger was.
Because apparently, I danced.
A lot.
And I didn’t even feel weird about it.
I was grateful that my sister had agreed to let me tag along. It brought back memories of being little and following her everywhere.
And then, on our way back that evening, we got lost.
That was my highlight.
The getting lost.
The rest of October passed in mostly ordinary ways, with days that looked a lot like one another.
Work. Home. Little routines. Quiet moments.
And those emotions?
They’re still here.
Every now and then, without warning, that familiar warmth rises in my chest, my eyes begin to water, and I whisper my little “thank you.”
Then I smile.
In those moments, I also find myself thanking my guides for how well they’ve looked after me.
I’m still a Christian, by the way. Lol.
I don’t have a neat explanation for all of it.
And perhaps I don’t need one.
October remains my favourite month.
And we have Anne of Green Gables to thank for that.
She painted such a beautiful picture of October that I was completely influenced. Just like that.
So every year, I look forward to October with a little extra anticipation.
And now, here’s November.
May November be gentler.
I’m entirely ready to experience it. To be here for it. To welcome whatever beautiful moments it brings.
May it be full of good experiences.
May it leave a little touch of gentleness behind with every passing day.
Okay November.
And to any soul that happens to bump into this,
Please smile a little 🌸
