Indebted to the oblivion

Heal! 

People would casually throw that word around for shade or fun. I was pretty much young. Still fumbling my way around everything. Come to think of it I have always felt old, no matter how young I was. So when I refer to myself as an old soul, I mean that literally. 

I was deep in a crisis. For a long while, I carried bitterness around like a crown. My mind was almost always overflowing with awful thoughts. Awful thoughts mostly about myself. At that time I didn’t have the language to define that. Most of us didn’t.

On the outside, I was always a ball of joy. Lol. I know I know. Okay I mean on the outside, you could never tell that there was a tornado happening on the inside. Constantly someone would randomly throw a “do you ever get upset” and I would return that with a smile knowing truly. 

I was a timid girl, technically I would keep to myself and stay in my head. Catch me dead standing up for myself back in the day. 

Thinking back now, at times I get really upset about the girl that I was. Just recently someone talked me against victimizing myself. That was another milestone into my healing. That’s how I was able to move past a lot of things. That’s how I was able to admit that in most circumstances I had a role to play. No matter how intense and unfair the circumstances were, I was always present at the scene you know.

Until around 2022,that is when I familiarized myself with what “heal” really meant. The dynamics and all. 

It is now 1:23 am. I just realized my healing journey started a while back. Way before I noticed that I was now coming face to face with my demons and I needed to address them one by one. And boy did I. 

The bitterness, the insecurities, the anger, the brain fog, the fatigue, constantly feeling lost, the confusion, the crazy decisions.. (I could go on for days) .. that was me finally coming home to myself. 

It was quite a journey to take and a part of me is grateful that I was oblivious of the journey, because if someone ever whispered to me what I was embarking on, I promise you I would never have taken any step into it. So yes I am forever indebted to the oblivion.

A long the way I also suffered a lot of humiliation. I betrayed people and I was betrayed in equal measures. The humiliation though. You know you are literally walking into a version of yourself you’ve never met before trying to truly find yourself. There’s no way to avoid humiliating circumstances. No, I no longer cringe to them in case you are wondering. In fact I speak boldly about them. Lol I ate the cringe and ran with it.

I am tattooed. I have little cute tattoos. I got them while I was trying to find myself. No, I do not regret either of them. I love them. I no longer stress about external validation. I know because I walk into rooms and people still cling to the person I was while I was still finding myself and it doesn’t drive me insane. 

Yooooh! 2022 straight into 2024 were tough years. When I was turning 27 I wrote “26 has mostly been for growing. Growth isn’t easy but it is genuinely worth it.” A daunting yet very rewarding journey. 

I am genuinely grateful that I familiarized myself with healing and everything else around it. 

I sit back and watch myself accepting all of me and I just marvel. I nod proudly at that unfolding. A beautiful unfolding.

Healing brought growth into the scene. Growth was worth it, but acceptance has been very rewarding. It totally stole the show I swear. 

Not everyday is sunshine and honey clearly, but at least everyday you know you have a soft landing, your true self to fall back on.

I also recognize that, it’s not a journey made for everyone and that is totally okay.

Sending love and light to everyone on their healing journey out there. 

A shrink….

In my next life I wanna be a therapist for real.

I always wanted to study communications, back in the day I would say it like “I want to be a news anchor when I grow up” you know, how we say that when we are in kindergarten.

As far as my memory goes, I always loved communication.

Somewhere after high school, the idea of studying psychology started dancing in my mind. I said it out loud to a few people , and I got discouraged so bad. So I went with communications.

I looooove communications. But I would kill to just be a therapist for a day. I’ve already played around with the idea and seen how communications and psychology could jell up.

I thrive in intensity. I love listening. I love hearing people out.

So yeah I would just be the happiest if I could become a THERAPIST FOR A DAY.

Sending love and light to all the good shrinks out there.

Cheers♥️

Credits to Pinterest.

Chapter 5 of Elegance and Abundance

I am not a city girl. I get really overwhelmed by big cities, I made peace with this already.

I love small intimate towns though. I love experiencing them.

So let me fill you in, it has been two months now since I threw in the towel at my previous job. No, not because I was defeated but because it was taking a bad toll on me. I am among those people who quit without a plan B. For that reason I haven’t been talking about my quitting to many people, because most of them won’t just understand okay. Not that I am less ambitious or less driven but I am grateful I made that decision. It’s crazy the number of times I have said this in the last two months.

I am manifesting a remote job. The flexibility that comes with working remotely. Why? Because other than loving small intimate towns, I desire to be a very present family woman. Haah I am grateful that lately I do not shy away from admitting certain things publicly without taking any walks of shame. That is my way of being authentic.

About loving small towns, I am writing this from a small town called Mwea. I love it. I love the experiences. Yesterday I decided to go get my hair done. I do this thing where I theme my months. So May is Chapter five of Elegance and abundance.

Since quitting and way before quitting I had neglected myself. That is the major reason why elegance had to be included in the theme for this month. The lady who did my hair was so gracious, a darling. She is among the people who will be lingering on my mind when I travel back. I am not quite sure where I’ll be traveling back to yet. But I know it is going to be a journey of good energy, good memories and abundance.

While job hunting for the remote jobs, the imposter syndrome won’t just let me be. It got me questioning way too many things that I should not even be questioning. My heart breaks when I start questioning my writing. I love writing. I love words. I love quotes too, a little too much. Boyfriend does not understand why I love quotes. But I just love quotes. God bless Pinterest and Threads.

This is just a gentle reminder to keep good thoughts and have good intentions.

Cheers to abundance and a worthwhile month of May.

I might not write beautifully, with the most polished grammar and perfect imagery but I know I write passionately and authentically. With that it shall be well.

Serenity

I usually get so frustrated any time I am asked about a place in the world I would want to visit.  Not because I am spoilt for choice, but simply because I just have no idea. Is that some form of ignorance? I don’t know.

But I know the kind of places I would love to visit. I know how they feel. I know what they smell like. I know what they will bring out of me and that should be enough for now.

Serenity.

A gem I mastered in highschool

“There is communicating and there’s communicating appropriately“

Whew! I know I am weird. In highschool my adolescence was on the pick, I mean it was for most of us. 

I wanted to be a model. My self esteem wasn’t pretty much in the pits. I was very timid though. So that just went away like that.

I learnt how to communicate appropriately in high school. There is communicating and there’s communicating appropriately which pretty much involves listening and paying attention to non verbal cues.

I know it’s a never ending process, but I’m glad I started mastering that while I was in highschool.  Pretty late to some and pretty early to others but I’m just grateful that I mastered it while in highschool.

I am not perfect at it, but I try everyday.

Cheers.

My Pretty Little Fears🫂

It is generally a good day.

I love it.


I woke up feeling better, waaaay better. I thank God for the good health that I’m continually walking into.

It has been a while since I just felt like myself. God, I do not take this for granted. I love what I’m feeling.

I am majorly grateful for the fact I am at a place where I am learning how to master my emotions and self regulate. I have moments when I’ll cry. That’s perfectly okay.

I don’t like it when people just decide to be mean for no absolute reason. Someone just decides to be a prick, but that’s on them right?

So I’m basically learning how to carry myself around such individuals.

Most of the time in my head, I can’t help but think “my God you are such a daft” when someone behaves outrageously.

Currently we are in a world where we have the right tools, we have enough language to express our concerns. A lot of things can be solved by simply just having a decent conversation. No insults, no mean words, no throwing around tantrums…I mean.


I disgraced I know.


A good number of people I interact with, usually say they like how I communicate.

I genuinely do not know what happens when it comes to my family. My communication  skills go in the pits. I usually end up sounding like a senseless baby. With my family I just usually go on defense mode.

There’s probably something I need to unpack in there. I don’t like it whenever I go on defense mode like that.  My values are sort of sweetly strange. Everyday I’m pulling myself out of victimizing myself. If there’s one thing I’m constantly grounding myself on, is taking accountability and being careful enough to see what role I played in situations.

It’s a blessing. I can’t even start explaining how much peace I get from that. 

Maturity also, maturity to me revolves so much around authenticity. I want to bring out my authentic self. We all have aspects of being two faced once in a while and I am working everyday to limit mine.


In a very long while, I’ve been loud and proud about how I am African, but there was always something in there. I always wished for long luscious hair, blue eyes and all those  standards of beauty that got set at one point. But I am working through that also. For a minute I think I just got so defiant and comfortable, I haven’t been putting in any effort when it comes to looking after myself appropriately. I just realized now my self esteem that I thought I was earnestly working to build has been on DND … literally. So I want to get better.  So I want to be genuine and accepting about my being African. I want to earnestly accept my big nose, I want to accept my not so perfect hair, I want to adore my brown lazy eyes and my awesome East African forehead.

It’s wild. I have even been freaking out about stepping out with my boyfriend (He knows about this, we talked about it. He was so gracious 💖 He is my buddy we talk about everything). He loves the beach. He loves good places like Watamu, Zanzibar, Lamu etc.

Lamu

You know the kind of places the white people like hanging out. So I always thought I would be so out of place and not comfortable.

Talking about it has genuinely helped.

I know city girls will think I’m such a let down, but calm down that’s my way of being authentic.


I love feeling things deeply. I want to be entirely comfortable when I visit a certain place and that’s why in case of any fears, no matter how cringe…I’m gonna talk about them.


Insecurities. Today, boyfriend said he’s gonna go to the gym and stretch a little because he has been a cabbage for several days.

I just used his exact words and I don’t understand what’s with him and  cabbages. I was excited like “for sure babe because the cabbage was starting to stink already,” but I also told him, not to look at girls. Sounds silly, but I know we all get such silly and weird insecurities.


I quit my 9-5 job. I’ve said it here before. But I did and I appreciate that I did.


I know this is a conversation that was supposed to go inside my diary never to be read by anyone else other than myself.

In fact I just copy pasted it from my diary (I leave a screenshot for evidence),

hey diary

but I know a fellow weirdo might relate, so let me just leave it here. We are healing our wounds together. We are gonna grow our confidence together mate


I know I also digraced so much but well😂☺️. This has been fun.

cheers

Oooh before I go, I just gotta say this I love that I can now talk to my mom about my boyfriend without any cringe.

It is the most freeing transition adulting has blessed me with, I wish I mastered it earlier enough but well☺️ I’m just so grateful. She is my person. I love you mom. (She doesn’t know I write private things in public forums but it just feels awesome hyping her a little)