What makes you nervous?
I love today’s prompt. I just do not have the words honestly. A lot of things make me nervous. I can feel energies, I mean we all can. I just know being in certain spaces or around certain people can be daunting. I mean it’s almost like you can just feel it. Some places are just calming and so are some people …and the opposite is true. At least according to me.
I genuinely do not have the right words to describe this now, so I’ll leave it at that.
I’m gaslighting myself into becoming my best version. Literally turning myself into my own muse. Alongside that, I’m exploring all my sides. I’m an introvert, and I’ve finally learned to own that, fully. That realization is actually one of my biggest motivators in this journey of self-exploration.
For context: I’ll never be a social butterfly… and I don’t even try to be. But I am sociable, yes, tooting my own horn here. Whenever I’m outside, people tend to be drawn to my energy. I figure it’s the kind face and the fact that I’m a good listener. Either way, it is what it is.
I’m out of the pits now, in case you were wondering. Back home to the calmer, brighter me.
A stranger recently drove to my place, after a few phone calls.
Okay this is how it started. …. He said, “I love how you sound. I just love how you sound.” Not, “I love your voice” or anything. Just… how I sound. I asked, “Like an HR? Customer service?” He laughed and just repeated it: “I love how you sound.” I said, “Asante.”
After that, picking up his calls felt awkward. Every time, I caught myself wondering, how do I sound now?
He tried twice to come see me, but something always came up. The last time, I answered his call and said, “I’m puffy and exhausted and I can’t go past my bedroom.” He replied, “Sawa. I’m driving to Nairobi, hopefully I’ll see you on Tuesday.”
I didn’t say anything in return.
Tuesday came. That afternoon, I was giving this stranger directions to my home, which, by the way, is no small feat. Anyone who’s been here can vouch.
He got here though. And weirdly, I wasn’t nervous. I was floating. Just… going with the flow.
(I f*cking hate going with the flow. Why? Someone I love with all my everything once used that phrase on me and it shattered something inside. So yeah, me ‘going with the flow’ it tastes metallic in my mouth.)
I told him, “Ayee, this is my parent’s house, so I don’t really let people in.”
As if on cue from the universe, it started raining. I got in his car. He parked just outside our gate.
He counted my tattoos and said they were too many. He had tattoos too, but said he was in the process of removing them. Told me he was sober now. No drinking. I think he’s going through an awakening or something.
He asked, “Didn’t you say you were heading to the salon the other day?” I laughed,.people say that a lot since I got my sisterlocks. So I explained. He tried to justify himself and said, “I really appreciate girls who embrace being natural.” I laughed again.
That turned into a three-hour conversation. Non-stop.
He told me he’s an anxious person. I folded my arms and really listened. Felt awful when he said that sometimes he has the most brilliant thoughts, but the moment he stands before a crowd, his mind blanks. I understood. Then he said, “Anxiety is a sin,” and quoted Philippians: Do not be anxious about anything.
He said he wanted a woman who could help him grow and calm his nervous system. I nodded. We talked about anxiety for a long time. Talk about quantum physics… my own relationship had been put on hold because I was “too anxious.” So everything he said hit home.
In another life, or just under better circumstances, I might’ve held him and told him it’s all in his mind. That he’s a sweet soul. That no one is born anxious. And that healing is possible.
I showed him a TikTok. We talked about it. He’s not the superficial type. He’s intense. His language is filled with spirituality, universe, energies…
Toward the end of our long, winding chat, I told him I was broken. That I wasn’t looking for a relationship. At all.
He said it was obvious. “Don’t send long paragraphs or make annoying calls. None of that will change their mind.”
I said, simply, “I know.”
He said, “You’re pretty. I love how you package your words. Your energy is calming. I hope you heal soon.”
I swallowed hard and whispered a weak, “Thank you.”
After a pause, I said, “I’ve felt comfortable in your energy. I love deliberate conversations, and thank you for this.”
I meant it. It wasn’t courtesy. I was being honest. I can feel good souls and Sam was one.
I told him to ping me once he got to his destination. He didn’t. I didn’t expect him to.
Two days later, I texted him, asking if he got home safe. He responded quickly. I exhaled. Then I deleted his number.
I especially love how he didn’t try to poke at my wounds. He understands wounds.
He’s a good person. In another reality, he’s the kind of man I’d fall head over heels for in an instant. It’s weird what growth does to us. What growing older has done to me. It’s… wholesome.
That, right there, is the beauty of life.
Describe a random encounter with a stranger that stuck out positively to you.
Haaaaaah, Okay somebody once described me as carefree and also guarded. This particular sweet soul said, he genuinely thinks that to the core, the carefree person is who I am. He didn’t mean it in a bad way. Carefree, but in a good way, you get it? Awesome.
That aside,
Two weeks ago, the 4th of April.. to be specific. On my way back from the saloon. I sat in a nearly empty Matatu, but the window seat had a tot bag guarding it. A clear sign that a pretty girl had marked her territory ( I genuinely think everyone who’s bold enough to carry a tot bag understands art and elegance..even in my old age I know there are some handbags I’ll never just allow myself to carry🤣..so to the god’s who brought tot bags to the universe, Thank you) I disgrace again…
Anyway, a few minutes later, a gorgeous chocolate-skinned Barbie doll approached and politely asked to be excused so she could get to her window seat, which she had marked earlier. Pure aura.
I mostly do not appreciate chatty passengers, but I weirdly tolerated her. She was effortlessly magnetic and wild…
So there I was, minding my own business, when she leaned in gently and asked,
“Is the scent too strong for your liking?”
I was a bit confused. “What?”
She clarified, “It’s booze. I just hope you don’t mind the scent.”
In my head, I was like, “You go girl, do your thing… me and whisky are basically old friends.”
But my actual response was way less dramatic, a chill, “I’m totally okay. Have fun.”
Apparently, I gave off “cool person” energy because she invited me to join her. I asked if I could trust her. She smiled and said, “It’s okay if you’re not comfortable.” So I waited for her to take another sip… and there I was. Don’t judge me, I can be a little extra sometimes.
The banter was easy. She was on her way to her boyfriend’s place. She seemed smitten. But of course, I had to ask, “Does he treat you right?”
(I always ask my girls that question.)
She beamed and said yes. It had been rocky at the start, but they’d worked through it. I told her I was jealous, because, let’s be honest, I love my weekends all boo’d up like that.
I was secretly hoping she’d ask for my number, and she must’ve been psychic because right before I alighted, she handed me hers. I made sure to tell her she’s a sweet soul.
That was lovely. I don’t come across gracious souls like that often.
For context, The only conversation we’ve had since then? She liked a song on my status and asked for the title. Oh, and there’s this other girl whose poetry I absolutely love, we exchanged, like, two words about it, and that’s basically it. And yes, I didn’t die…I’m still alive and kicking.
Hey Sharma.
(She’s definitely never going to bump into this, but I love being extra, remember? Cool.)
Cheers🫶
I know for the better part of the year I’ve been writing about the heavier stuff. The grim, the gut-wrenching, the “life is beating me up” kind of energy. Which honestly explains why I haven’t been writing much at all, because that’s not the kind of vibe I usually like sending out into the universe.
But hey, I’m all caught up now. Emotionally bruised? Yes. Still standing? Also yes. So I figured, maybe we try a little mix today, a cocktail of humour and heartbreak. It might come out weird, bittersweet, maybe even cringe… but let’s see what we shake up.
So yeah, can we talk about heartbreaks today? I know most people would say “hard pass”..but me? My mind’s already made up.
Heartbreak has a funny way of making everything feel like it’s happening in slow motion. Days stretch, nights echo, and joy? Feels like a rumor you once heard. I saw a TikTok where this guy said that just before a car crash, there’s always that moment where time slows down,and honestly? I felt that. Because heartbreak’s kind of the same. Your body knows. It senses the hit before it lands.
I wanted to say, “Nobody gets into a relationship expecting it to end,” but let’s be real, some people do. People are crafty. You never truly know what’s going on in someone’s head or heart. So let me just speak for myself: I’ve never entered a relationship with anything but forever in mind.
What I don’t get is, why drag someone along if your heart checked out months ago? We’re adults. Speak your truth and move on. If you’ve stopped feeling it, say it. Don’t turn love into a code to decipher. Don’t make someone read between the lines while drowning. That’s not love, it’s emotional cruelty.
That kind of silence? That avoidance? It’s brutal. It’s disorienting. It’s disgustingly dysregulating. It stops the other person’s life mid-breath. And for what?
I know I said I’d try to sprinkle in some humour but honestly, what’s funny about sitting in your room, in pain, questioning your worth, begging yourself just to feel normal again? What’s funny about aching in places you didn’t even know could hurt?
Yeah… nothing’s funny about that.
But even in the thick of it, in the stillness after the storm, in the ache that wraps itself around your chest, there’s this quiet truth: you’re still here.
Still breathing.
Still feeling.
Still showing up for yourself, even in pieces.
And maybe that’s where healing begins, not in the absence of pain, but in the decision to keep living through it.
So no, I’m not okay yet.
But I will be.
And that’s enough for today.
So we save the humour for next time.
Cheers 🫶
PS: I know it felt like I was yelling throughout this write up ..lol
“Honestly, just work on making your life worth the while, we’re only here for a short while”
Nature’s Magic
There’s something deeply soothing about being out in nature.
I haven’t explored the beach enough to say I’m a beach girl, but if you asked me right now, I’d pick the woods without a second thought.
Trees swaying gently in the wind, birds chirping their little hearts out, a waterfall humming in the background… that’s my kind of peace.
And let’s not forget palm trees,absolutely gorgeous.
Okay, truthfully, I don’t get to experience this every single day. So yes, maybe this was a little random. But I thought it was an everyday thing because it feels like home in my heart.
Then I reread the prompt and had a “wait a minute” moment. So I recalibrated. Now here goes…….
1.Family
(who knew?) If teenage me could hear this, she’d be rolling her eyes so hard. But here we are. These days, my family is my everything,my soft landing, my warmest blanket. My mom especially. The past month, she’s been helping me hold it together, piece by piece. And honestly, just knowing I have that kind of love? Fills me up in all the best ways.
2.Slow, Sweet Mornings
There’s a certain magic to my mornings when I’m home. The rhythm of routine, the comfort of our back porch, and the easy banter over breakfast, it’s golden. It’s what I miss most when I’m away.
3.A Damn Good Conversation
This one deserves a standing ovation. A genuinely good conversation? Oh, that’s soul food. I live for talks filled with energy, intent, curiosity, and heart. The kind where someone’s really listening and you’re really seen.
4.Learning Something New
There’s joy in growth. In little lessons tucked into ordinary moments. I’m always learning, always curious, and that constant discovery? Definitely lights me up.
5.Gratitude
This one’s the real MVP. I’ve been working on practicing gratitude for what feels like forever and lately, I’m all in. It changes everything. I swear, this is the cheat code to life.
In a world where I have been told, “don’t be too kind, don’t be too authentic, don’t love too much” I am choosing to be myself.
If I have to die out of the pain of being too kind, too authentic, too loving…
I’d rather die fulfilled than endure a life where I can’t be myself just to impress the masses.
This doesn’t mean I am naive though. I see things. I just choose to embrace all my parts. Authentically.
Currently in the heart of Busia. Why? Attending the traditional wedding of a friend.
Here’s the gist, when I say a friend we didn’t attend the same kindergarten, I haven’t known her for the last three years either. I knew her barely two weeks ago.
Then right now, I am here. Comfortable.
When you were five, what did you want to be when you grew up?
Believe it or not I wanted to be a journalist when I was five.
I’ve said it before, when everybody else wanted to be a lawyer, a doctor…I stuck with “I want to be a journalist when I grow up”
It stuck. It grew on me.
Many years down the line, I was in Uni studying communications.
What’s a secret skill or ability you have or wish you had?
I’ve thought so hard about this.
I read it in the morning then I figured, I might have figured something out come evening.
I have genuinely sat with this, but nothing is forthcoming.
So what’s coming forth is, I genuinely do not have any secret skill or I am just satisfied with the skills I have. The latter is an outright lie though.
I know there’s a secret skill I’d wish to have. I just really needed to think thoroughly over this.
Cheers🫶
