Category: Recountals

My day to day encounters

Were the tears necessary!

Moving on has never been easy, especially when everything else was coming from a point of authenticity.

She is doing her best to move on with grace.

She just wouldn’t understand why these dreams wouldn’t extend any form of grace.

Last night she had this dream where this guy showed up wearing his actual heart on his waist. The guy was in tears. As if seeing a heart being worn on the waist wasn’t tormenting enough. Were the tears necessary really?

Now she’s conceptualizing all those dreams she had in just one night, it wasn’t just that one by the way. And she’s just here like wtf!

And that’s the thing about life

Credits – Kam from Pinterest

She knew it was going to haunt her bad. She just knew it. What she wasn’t going to do though, was try to anticipate what her life was going to be like, in a month or two. Clearly, that is what she had been doing for the past three years, living in anticipation.

She made the decision under peculiar circumstances. If you’d asked her four weeks ago if she had it in her to make the decision she’d made now. She would have laughed in your face bad.
She knew that was her once-in-a-lifetime love, and so she had vowed to fight to the end to ensure that she had it.

He knew she loved him more than she loved life. Effortlessly she had proven that to him.
Did he ever love her though? Maybe he loved the idea of being loved fiercely. She will never know.
Maybe the universe conspired to ensure they never would get together. Looking at it differently there was always a force that seemed to be keeping them apart. She had communicated that at one point, but at that time, she knew they were going to conquer it all.
She has cried both sad and happy tears.
She’s grateful that she has been able to genuinely and sincerely love another soul so fiercely, not everyone gets a chance to experience that.

Most of their memories are virtual, and they managed to exchange very beautiful messages. She’s gonna hold on to that.

She’ll still have him in her prayers, sending out good thoughts. Because genuinely he is a good person.

How would it have been, if she felt half the love she had for him, coming from him?

She usually is one to communicate, but this time round she chose silence. It was less burdening that way.

Probably that’s how her once-in-a-lifetime love was bound to end. Probably she gave up too early, probably he never loved her, probably removing herself from his life is the exhale he needed…a lot of questions but she just would never know.  And that’s the thing about life, you just never know.

She’ll mostly be grieving what it could have been, the mental picture she had created like how Sundays were supposed to be for baking and slowing down. And how her house was supposed to be their escape from tech and external noises.

In the meantime, she’s exhausted she no longer has it in her to fight anymore.  She’s done fighting I guess.

Not even close!

“Things didn’t entirely turn out to be what I wanted them to, they turned out to be entirely how they should have been.”

Not even close.I had a whole different view of what my life would have been today.

Even though things didn’t entirely turn out to be what I wanted them to, they turned out to be entirely how they should have been.

I learnt to be present as I do the best I can.

So yeah, I couldn’t be more grateful.

Oooh yeah!

Do you ever see wild animals?

I question my sanity most times because why did I just laugh so hard at this question!!

Have you ever laughed so hard at something then someone next to you asked “sa unacheka” – to mean what are you laughing at. And it’s usually not a polite question at all.

But sure, I see wild animals. I see a bunch of them. I experience them. I feel them.

Find joy in the journey.

I bumped into this lovely wall paper from Pinterest of course.
At that time I was in the trenches. I was in the midst of a huge personal crisis.
Nothing seemed to make any sense. I felt useless.

My whole existence hurt. I would wake up, get out of bed and sit like a guest who just arrived on earth. Not knowing where to start and how to even go about my way around life.

I logged out of all my socials, my social batteries had died. Totally. In case my phone rung, I would stare at it in horror. I was beaten. Ten times harder than I could usually handle.

And then one day, I figured I needed to make sense out of everything, and I couldn’t just find the right words to describe the whole process. But it was simply “find joy in the journey”.

As awful as everything felt at that time, there was definitely one or two things I could be grateful for. That’s how I started getting my bearing back.

I love the quote, I am a sucker for quotes.

This wall paper has honestly carried me through the toughest of times and the other day while I was changing it, I genuinely felt so ungrateful. But again the holidays are here and I just want to be fully present and that means even with my wall paper. I mean it is still part of finding joy in the journey right?

this is my current wallpaper

I think about Sagalla every so often.

“Things that fascinate me might come off as very mundane. But again, that’s just me okay.”


Sagalla

I started writing, then I was told that there was a Christmas choral performance and I had to run for that. I loooove holidays. I mostly thrive in December.
Okay so here goes…….

I’d be damned if I said no!
I have a few but I’ll fill you in on about one. I am a country girl. Things that fascinate me might come off as very mundane. But again, that’s just me okay.

So back in 2022 January, that was the first actual time I was going to be entirely far from home. It was daunting emotionally, but let’s not talk about that now. I have a history of telling a thousand different stories in one story haha!

Okay so back in 2022 I was to move to a place called Voi, Taita Taveta – Kenya.
I knew one girl from there whom I’d gotten acquainted with. And because technically I didn’t have any furniture or a house to begin with. I was to spend my first few days at her home, where she lived with her grandma. Cute innit? Yes. 😅.

So the village was called Sagalla.  A whole definition of the place I dreamt of settling. It was cute. So cute.

It was hilly, and full of greenery.
The next morning, I woke up to pure blissfulness. The hills were misty. The freshest air I’ve ever woken up to. The homestead was a buzz of calming activities, I’m talking about milking the cows, feeding the chicken and sweeping the yard.
For a minute I was like, can I just send my letter of resignation before reporting, because I just had a moment of realization that probably that life right there was everything I’d ever wanted, to feel complete.

I think about Sagalla every so often. So clearly that makes it a favorite place. Okay cue “favourite girl by Darkoo” I guess this should work for now

I gotta run back to the Christmas chorals.

No longer racing with the sunrise.

Photo credits: Candice🌷 from Pinterest

I am so sure I wrote something similar to what I am about to write, last year around a time like this.

I have insane fatigue, and insane is just an understatement in this case.
Immediately it gets to November my body just knows.

I have been waking up at 5:00 a.m., at the latest, 6:30 a.m. I learned to pay attention to my body, and in the last few months, I’ve learned that I’m entirely functional whenever I wake up before the sun comes out.

Lately, I can’t race with the sunrise anymore. And neither can I just disrespect my body like that.

I know it is 90% a mindset thing, but I’m just so exhausted. I can literally feel how my brain functions of late. It’s on a whole slow motion.

And I promise I am nowhere close to being stressed, I am in my best place mentally. Calmer than I have ever been.

I just know that I don’t want to be rushed anymore. I am sleeping in more often and I am doing everything at my own pace.

That’s probably my style of bidding the year goodbye.

And I genuinely understand my body, it has carried me through so much the entire year and I couldn’t be more grateful. The best thing I can do right now is respect it and enjoy the slowness.

(PS: I wrote this on the 10th of November but was just too exhausted to update it)

^^Happy Holidays. Cheers.