Author: Miss Injairu

I’ve been waiting for so long for the world to bring me happiness. Horrendous. Every second, everywhere where I look, everyone seems to be a constant reminder of how the world is a crazy place to be at.

I don’t want that for myself. I want to create my little universe full of color and joy. I’m gonna chase happiness with all my might.

I am pretty much aware that some days will eat into me and I’m perfectly okay with that.

But for now I just want to live happily. I deserve that.

I want to find a purpose in everything and everyone I encounter.

Do you remember who you were, before the world told you who you should be?

There comes a point in growing up where you feel like you are no longer good at the things you thought you were good at.

Heart-wrenching.

It has been one year and seven months since I started questioning myself about my purpose. Not a day goes by without me asking myself that question.

Let me take you back a little. In primary school I hated mathematics with every life inside me. My grades in Maths were humiliating. That meant one thing. I had to be good at something. Atleast. Grammar. I lived for English lessons. The teachers adored me. Definitely it had to count for the only one thing I was entirely comfortable with back in the day.

I enjoyed writing essays. Especially the imaginative ones. As a kid my head space was wild. I marvel at the things I used to write about at that age. Tender age.

Fast forward I knew writing was my thing. At that age I don’t think I had an idea about journalism as a career being embedded with grammar. Should I remind you about how scarce resources were back in the day? Sure I’ll spare you the details. I can’t recall a point when I was asked about my dream career and my answer wasn’t “a journalist”. At that age when everyone wanted to be a doctor, a lawyer, a pilot…. I simply wanted to be a journalist and that was that.

Very many years down I was in uni studying my dream. It felt so nice. I still believed so much in my writing. Though somehow some things had taken a dent in my confidence. So I would write, but I would just write to myself. If anything I would rather get run over by a track than admit to my peers that I loved writing. That writing was my goal.

That is pretty much how I started killing my writing confidence. Haha! And the fact that I’m writing about this is insanely funny.

Why am I still writing up to this point you might ask. Let’s blame it on nostalgia. I recalled back in the day, how much I used to take pride in writing. Then here I am today. Doubting. Was I really good at this thing or these few people who I met along the way were only gassing me up. You know attempting not to kill my enthusiasm. My pride.

So yes, I am basically at it. At that peak of doubting every writing I ever put out.

Do I still aspire to write? Of course I do. Pretty much the reason why I am here. I just do not want to find my niche like how I am constantly told by a few individuals.

I want to be authentic with my writing. I do not want to write simply because I want to make a living out of it. I want to write for a deeper purpose. Something more than just money.

I want to hold such conversations with my subconscious. I know in the long run two or three people will find the purpose in my writing. There are those who wouldn’t. That is entirely okay. Alignment.

I am not after finding a niche. I am not after using the most polished grammar. I just want to write. I am human. I thrive best in authenticity. A beautiful mess. I believe something worthy will be born out of the mess. I do not want to box myself up. Boxing myself up was almost Killing my dream. I want to live my childhood dream.

Four months down the line. I want to look back and appreciate my authenticity.

Friendship goes deep. It is not as shallow as we always make it sound or feel. “We went to school together” we are schoolmates, that doesn’t mean that we are friends. “We work together,” we are colleagues, the fact that we are colleagues doesn’t qualify us to be friends and I promise you that’s genuinely okay.

We lose our authenticity trying to feed into friendships that are non existent. We ought to stop living in pretense. Am I a victim? Absolutely yes. I have fallen into patterns where I would refer to everyone I know as a friend.

I will not even try sugar coating this, but having friends is not as easy as we make it sound. It involves a lot of energy, commitment and effort.

Like a romantic relationship. Friendship equally needs to be nurtured.

Saying this out loud will somehow sound awful, but I have struggled when it comes to keeping and maintaining friendships. We all do. Recognizing that is of great essence and I genuinely think that it is still very humane to struggle with finding our way around friendships.

We do not talk often about how it is insanely tough to find people who match our energy. I am intense and deep. I am critical and over analytical. It is tough forming friendships when you are on the sensitive side of the spectrum. Occasionally I come out as awkward, weird, petty and dumb to people who don’t get me. This has been tough for me. It has made me question a lot of things about myself and I think that’s too much a price to pay when it comes to the journey of friendship. When you find yourself questioning your worth, you’d rather keep to yourself.

I feel like I should say this while yelling and standing at the top most floor of a storey building that goes extremely high. When was the last time you were a good friend to yourself? Charity begins at home right? Yes. Go home to yourself and analyze the friendship you have with yourself. Is it good? I do not think it ever works, you trying to be a good friend to everyone else yet you are in an awful conflicting relationship with yourself. It should begin from within.

Talk to yourself with grace. Grace should start from within. Find yourself. It’s okay for you to isolate yourself from the rest of the world and just work on your relationship with yourself. I know doing that might lead into you losing friends. I promise that’s okay. Losing friends could actually mean that you are evolving. Growth.

Being in a space where you are graceful with yourself clearly allows space for you to be self aware.

Self awareness is a road map to a lot of things if not everything. Being in a space where you understand yourself well enough, will outright allow you space to find your clan. To find people you genuinely align with.

It has been said one too many times that no man is an island and that friendship basically forms a greater percentage of being human. My two cents on this is that, not everyone is designed for the realm of friendship. We shouldn’t let social constructs blind us into believing that being a loner is a crime.

Still friendships are beautiful.