Chapter 8 of 12 (August, please be gentle)

I genuinely thought I had found a cheat code around my emotions.

Then July arrived.

And if I’m being honest, I think July came to test that theory.

There isn’t a better way for me to explain it.

The nervousness and emotional weight I’ve carried over the past month have been unlike anything I’ve experienced in a long time. I honestly don’t know how I made it through some of those days.

There were mornings I woke up with intense anxiety… heart palpitations, a throbbing head, and tears before the day had even begun. There were nights I went to bed carrying those same emotions.

For a while, I thought healing my nervous system meant I would never feel anything that intensely again.

Maybe I misunderstood healing.

Because even in the middle of those difficult moments, there was a quiet part of me that knew they wouldn’t last forever.

I’m not completely out of the woods yet.

Some days still feel incredibly heavy.

And the interesting thing about having emotional meltdowns while living at home is that life doesn’t pause.. haaah! I mean you can’t bedrot and just wallow…. . I still have to move through the day looking okay. There have been moments when I’ve quietly disappeared into another room just to cry. Not a few tears… a complete breakdown.

But somehow, even then, I’ve trusted that this too will pass.

And I think that’s progress.

Not because the emotions disappeared.

But because I no longer believe they’ll stay forever.

One of the brightest parts of July was reuniting with some of my cousins.

It reminded me so much of childhood.

There was a time when getting together happened naturally, and we never imagined adulthood would scatter us in different directions.

For a little while, we found that version of ourselves again.

We laughed.

We caught up.

We were wonderfully goofy.

Without a doubt, that became my favorite memory of the month.

Then there was the unexpected encounter that has quietly stayed with me ever since.

The night after spending time with my cousins, that Sunday evening, I found myself wandering through the aisles of a mall. I was exhausted, carrying the weight of too little sleep, and certainly not looking particularly put together.

A gentleman, probably in his early fifties, approached me from a respectful distance and said hello.

My first thought was, “Not today, honestly.”

But politeness won.

He asked where I went to school.

I laughed.

Surely the trolley in front of me suggested I had graduated from that stage of life years ago.

So I smiled and replied,

“No… I’m actually an old woman. I finished school a long time ago.”

The look of surprise on his face was priceless.

Then he said something I’ve never forgotten.

“You just look like a good person.”

I thought I’d misheard him.

So he repeated it.

“You honestly look like a good person. And you look much younger than your age.”

I’ve heard compliments about my appearance before.

About my face.

My body.

The usual things.

But never that.

“You look like a good person.”

From a stranger. It caught me completely off guard.

I awkwardly thanked him, wondering if that was, in fact, a compliment.

Then he smiled and went on with his day.

My friend Rouzie had gone to fetch another trolley, and when she came back I thought about telling her what had happened.

I didn’t.

Some moments are so small that explaining them somehow makes them feel bigger than they were.

So I kept that one to myself.

Every now and then, I remember it.

And I smile.

The rest of July was beautifully ordinary.

I spent most of it at home, working.

Keeping up with my morning routine whenever I could, which now includes exercising my hips.

Although, if I’m honest, there were many mornings when my emotions felt too heavy for movement.

On those days, I simply didn’t work out.

Earlier this year I might have judged myself for that.

This time, I didn’t.

I attended a neighbour’s funeral one Saturday.

His passing shocked me.

He looked like one of those people you somehow assume will always be around, attending everyone else’s funerals before anyone attends his.

Life has a gentle way of reminding us that none of us knows how much time we have.

One of the most rewarding things I started this month was planting a flower garden at home.

That little project was inspired by my visit to Arboretum Kajok’oby in June.

There’s something deeply healing about putting tiny plants into the ground and trusting that they’ll bloom long before you ever see them become what they’re meant to be.

I’ve become slightly obsessed now.

I’ve already decided that every time I visit a beautiful resort or hotel, I’ll probably find myself having a friendly conversation with the groundskeeper or the security guard. Haaah! Not manipulation… just a friendly conversation. Because honestly…
Some of those gardens are breathtaking.
The flowers almost look like they belong to another part of the world.
I’d love to bring little pieces of that beauty home.
But I also want to be intentional about visiting farms every once in a while and getting myself some of those beauties.

On the first day of August, I jokingly told myself that August and I were going to be passionate.

I even gave the month a passionate kiss.

Yes. I promise

I actually did.

And no…

I’m not making that up.

The truth is, I miss calm.

Being sad for extended periods is exhausting.

But something else happened in July.

I learnt that I have to love even the days I don’t like.

There’s a line in Akon’s song that says,

“Thank you for sunshine. Thank you for rain. Thank you for joy. Thank you for pain.”

For the first time, I think I truly understand what that means.

Gratitude isn’t reserved only for the beautiful days.

Sometimes it’s choosing not to reject the difficult ones.

Another quiet lesson July gave me was this…..

I no longer want to analyse every single experience. I mean I’m Val. I’m heavy on coherence.

For years I’ve wanted every emotion to teach me something immediately.

Every difficult day had to become a lesson.

Every uncomfortable feeling had to make sense.

Lately, I’ve been learning something much gentler.

Sometimes, if I wake up sad…

I don’t have to investigate it.

I don’t have to solve it.

I simply have to let my body feel what it’s feeling.

Eventually…

It passes.

As August unfolds, I have only one request.

Please be gentle with my emotions.

In as much I have the bandwidth to carry difficult things.

But I’d love for this month to be filled with more calm than chaos.

Sure, .,..I’ve come to realise that calmness isn’t the absence of hard days…..It’s the ability to remain anchored even when they arrive. You know.

That’s the kind of strength I’m hoping to continue growing into.

So here’s to lighter days.

To unexpected little miracles.

To flowers that bloom.

To cousins who remind us of who we were.

To strangers whose kindness lingers.

To learning when to hold on…

And when to let go.

And to anyone who happens to stumble across these words…

May August be gentle on your heart.

May it surprise you in beautiful ways.

And may you find the courage to honour every emotion without allowing it to convince you that it will last forever.

Cheers. 🌸

Author: Miss Injairu

This is my best kept muse. Have fun. View all posts by Miss Injairu