Month: April 2025

Weird gentle giant

My mind just went more than five years back into my life.

In campus, I would make friends so fast and I would lose them as fast as I made them.

On a first glance, most assumed I was “cool” then a few days in, the realization that I was just a closed off weirdo dawned on them and they would run so fast away from me. 

I mean c’mon, life was a lot back in the day. A bad joke right? Yes.  Honestly there are times I wanna go back in time and just slap the younger version me so hard and tell her to get right back on track and do everything else every young human was allowed to do…and other times I wanna go back and just give her the warmest hug and tell her she is enough and that everything else that happened to her wasn’t her fault and that she should just try and make something worthwhile out of her younger years…

That aside, so this particular character stood out. His name was Johnpeter. He identified as a countryboy. He only listened to country music. Nothing else. He could careless about anything trendy. He wasn’t on any social media platform. The world he had created for himself was simply just enough for him.

Johnpeter felt weird, because honestly he was the total opposite of the originator of that name. First he was an atheist and second he still is the weirdest human I’ve ever encountered. He was a gentle giant though. Very pure. Hence why I ended up nicknaming him JP.

The most authentic nyctophile.

He always wore black. He was studying criminology. And just like how they were taught in class, he handled everybody else like a suspect.


Okay so he always wore black, for reasons I won’t mention here. And I mean, black shirt, black plants, black boots, black belt and a weirdly long trenchcoat. As if that wasn’t enough, he also never left his black cowboy hat behind. 

Honestly anyone who’s been in kakamega understands how keeping up with a weirdly long trench coat isn’t for the weak. But JP survived it, plus his hat. (What are the chances that he was an outfit repeater because you can’t tell black from black … especially black plants…)

This man thrived in darkness, I doubt if he ever slept. He was young, but also old. You know what I mean? Thinking about it now, he was barely a 23 year old lad, but he carried himself around like a 40 year old and I promise I am not even being extra right now.

He had such a fatherly energy to him. The kind, you’d run to when a bully was picking on you. His conversations were deep. He had a very strong gaze. A piercing one.

I’ve never met someone who loves darkness like JP did, he would have his walks at night. In his black trenchcoat. Dude was ahead of time because back in the day who cared about walks?

Thinking about it now, was he even a student? Maybe he was some secret detective on a mission because honestly I don’t even know whether he graduated. He sort of just disappeared.

The most beautiful thing about him ….. he was a writer. A real writer. I mean the kind of writer who would high-key intimidate other writers. He genuinely intimidated me.

He asked about my hobbies, I told him.. he beamed. Real grinning, and I promise this weird human barely ever smiled. So because mine was writing, he let me read his works and here my friends, that is how I stopped writing for so many years. JP was a good writer.

You won’t even guess this one.. so yes he thrived at night. Meaning he did most of his things in darkness. You know where he would do his writings? In the freaking club. Yes, in the most chaotic of clubs. Not a quiet inn…not a calming resort. The club.

In his weirdly long trench coat in the ungodly hours of the night, he would get inside the club, with his gadgets order a beer. Sit somewhere in the middle, where the real chaos abounded…and disappeared into his own world. He would get back into the real world with the most brilliant pieces.

Somehow girls were just drawn to him. I mean the prettiest, hottest, mysterious girls were just drawn to this weirdo. He didn’t even have to do a thing, he would just stand their with his weirdness and magically girls would just come falling and worshipping at his feet.. literally.  We would laugh about that.

Something happened and we lost touch. I was in my first year, he was in his fourth. After he weirdly disappeared, I sort of lost touch. The typical me…I missed a few of his calls. Ignored his messages. And after so long, life just went on without him.

Somewhere around 2019, I emailed him…okay in one of our conversations he’d given me his email, he was very specific about “I might just disappear someday, but I know I’ll never change my email” so that’s how I ended up having his email.

He responded with, “Guess who’s the best dad of the year” I was shocked. Genuinely. He never struck me as someone who’d sire an offspring. Not at all. So I sent a middle finger back.

And let me tell you, he was very clear about language, as atheist as he was, dude had clear principles and he stood on them. So anything to do with vulgar language would just turn him off totally.

I wonder how we survived being friends because I know myself and I know my language.

He was so excited about being a father, the middle finger didn’t drive him insane.

The next time we spoke, death had stolen from me. I had lost my darling sister. And subconsciously I just felt like his “daddy” aura would have done some magic and lessened the pain. I left him an email. And he wrote the most grim and also comforting email back. It was a lengthy email. The longest email someone’s ever written me.

I remember only but a few words, “grief never goes away, so just go with the waves” typical JP language. Catch him dead sugarcoating anything. With him, a spade was simply a spade.

Other than that, he helped me through the most trying of times back in the day. That was a time I experienced his softest side, maybe because a few years back he had lost his brother to a similar issue.

A weirdo hacked my phone, I changed my email. Before losing my previous email, I forgot to get JP’s email.  And that marked the end of our friendship.

I wonder where he took his weirdness to.
Is he even alive? I hope he is.

Honestly, thinking about it now, life grants me the weirdest… sweetest souls. A total movie, my life, and I couldn’t be more grateful.

I hope he feels this energy wherever he is.

Cheers.

Certain spaces and being around certain people

What makes you nervous?

I love today’s prompt. I just do not have the words honestly. A lot of things make me nervous. I can feel energies, I mean we all can. I just know being in certain spaces or around certain people can be daunting. I mean it’s almost like you can just feel it. Some places are just calming and so are some people …and the opposite is true. At least according to me.

I genuinely do not have the right words to describe this now, so I’ll leave it at that.

Of strangers and stillness

no one is born anxious. And that healing is possible.

I’m gaslighting myself into becoming my best version. Literally turning myself into my own muse. Alongside that, I’m exploring all my sides. I’m an introvert, and I’ve finally learned to own that, fully. That realization is actually one of my biggest motivators in this journey of self-exploration.

For context: I’ll never be a social butterfly… and I don’t even try to be. But I am sociable, yes, tooting my own horn here. Whenever I’m outside, people tend to be drawn to my energy. I figure it’s the kind face and the fact that I’m a good listener. Either way, it is what it is.

I’m out of the pits now, in case you were wondering. Back home to the calmer, brighter me.

A stranger recently drove to my place,  after a few phone calls.

Okay this is how it started. …. He said, “I love how you sound. I just love how you sound.” Not, “I love your voice” or anything. Just… how I sound. I asked, “Like an HR? Customer service?” He laughed and just repeated it: “I love how you sound.” I said, “Asante.”

After that, picking up his calls felt awkward. Every time, I caught myself wondering, how do I sound now?

He tried twice to come see me, but something always came up. The last time, I answered his call and said, “I’m puffy and exhausted and I can’t go past my bedroom.” He replied, “Sawa. I’m driving to Nairobi, hopefully I’ll see you on Tuesday.”

I didn’t say anything in return.

Tuesday came. That afternoon, I was giving this stranger directions to my home, which, by the way, is no small feat. Anyone who’s been here can vouch.

He got here though. And weirdly, I wasn’t nervous. I was floating. Just… going with the flow.
(I f*cking hate going with the flow. Why? Someone I love with all my everything once used that phrase on me and it shattered something inside. So yeah, me ‘going with the flow’ it tastes metallic in my mouth.)

I told him, “Ayee, this is my parent’s house, so I don’t really let people in.”
As if on cue from the universe, it started raining. I got in his car. He parked just outside our gate.

He counted my tattoos and said they were too many. He had tattoos too, but said he was in the process of removing them. Told me he was sober now. No drinking. I think he’s going through an awakening or something.

He asked, “Didn’t you say you were heading to the salon the other day?” I laughed,.people say that a lot since I got my sisterlocks. So I explained. He tried to justify himself and said, “I really appreciate girls who embrace being natural.” I laughed again.

That turned into a three-hour conversation. Non-stop.

He told me he’s an anxious person. I folded my arms and really listened. Felt awful when he said that sometimes he has the most brilliant thoughts, but the moment he stands before a crowd, his mind blanks. I understood. Then he said, “Anxiety is a sin,” and quoted Philippians: Do not be anxious about anything.

He said he wanted a woman who could help him grow and calm his nervous system. I nodded. We talked about anxiety for a long time. Talk about quantum physics… my own relationship had been put on hold because I was “too anxious.” So everything he said hit home.

In another life, or just under better circumstances, I might’ve held him and told him it’s all in his mind. That he’s a sweet soul. That no one is born anxious. And that healing is possible.

I showed him a TikTok. We talked about it. He’s not the superficial type. He’s intense. His language is filled with spirituality, universe, energies…

Toward the end of our long, winding chat, I told him I was broken. That I wasn’t looking for a relationship. At all.

He said it was obvious. “Don’t send long paragraphs or make annoying calls. None of that will change their mind.”
I said, simply, “I know.”

He said, “You’re pretty. I love how you package your words. Your energy is calming. I hope you heal soon.”

I swallowed hard and whispered a weak, “Thank you.”

After a pause, I said, “I’ve felt comfortable in your energy. I love deliberate conversations, and thank you for this.”
I meant it. It wasn’t courtesy. I was being honest. I can feel good souls and Sam was one.

I told him to ping me once he got to his destination. He didn’t. I didn’t expect him to.

Two days later, I texted him, asking if he got home safe. He responded quickly. I exhaled. Then I deleted his number.

I especially love how he didn’t try to poke at my wounds. He understands wounds.

He’s a good person. In another reality, he’s the kind of man I’d fall head over heels for in an instant. It’s weird what growth does to us. What growing older has done to me. It’s… wholesome.

That, right there, is the beauty of life.

Hey Sharma (She’ll never see this)

Describe a random encounter with a stranger that stuck out positively to you.

A Stanley but with whiskey

Haaaaaah, Okay somebody once described me as carefree and also guarded. This particular sweet soul said, he genuinely thinks that to the core, the carefree person is who I am. He didn’t mean it in a bad way. Carefree, but in a good way, you get it? Awesome.

That aside,

Two weeks ago, the 4th of April.. to be specific. On my way back from the saloon. I sat in a nearly empty Matatu, but the window seat had a tot bag guarding it. A clear sign that a pretty girl had marked her territory ( I genuinely think everyone who’s bold enough to carry a tot bag understands art and elegance..even in my old age I know there are some handbags I’ll never just allow myself to carry🤣..so to the god’s who brought tot bags to the universe, Thank you) I disgrace again…

Anyway, a few minutes later, a gorgeous chocolate-skinned Barbie doll approached and politely asked to be excused so she could get to her window seat, which she had marked earlier. Pure aura.

I mostly do not appreciate chatty passengers, but I weirdly tolerated her. She was effortlessly magnetic and wild…

So there I was, minding my own business, when she leaned in gently and asked,

“Is the scent too strong for your liking?”

I was a bit confused. “What?”

She clarified, “It’s booze. I just hope you don’t mind the scent.”

In my head, I was like, “You go girl, do your thing… me and whisky are basically old friends.”

But my actual response was way less dramatic, a chill, “I’m totally okay. Have fun.”

Apparently, I gave off “cool person” energy because she invited me to join her. I asked if I could trust her. She smiled and said, “It’s okay if you’re not comfortable.” So I waited for her to take another sip… and there I was. Don’t judge me, I can be a little extra sometimes.

The banter was easy. She was on her way to her boyfriend’s place. She seemed smitten. But of course, I had to ask, “Does he treat you right?”

(I always ask my girls that question.)

She beamed and said yes. It had been rocky at the start, but they’d worked through it. I told her I was jealous, because, let’s be honest, I love my weekends all boo’d up like that.

I was secretly hoping she’d ask for my number, and she must’ve been psychic because right before I alighted, she handed me hers. I made sure to tell her she’s a sweet soul.

That was lovely. I don’t come across gracious souls like that often.

For context, The only conversation we’ve had since then? She liked a song on my status and asked for the title. Oh, and there’s this other girl whose poetry I absolutely love, we exchanged, like, two words about it, and that’s basically it. And yes, I didn’t die…I’m still alive and kicking.

Hey Sharma.
(She’s definitely never going to bump into this, but I love being extra, remember? Cool.)

Cheers🫶

Heartbreak and Other Cringe Cocktails

I know for the better part of the year I’ve been writing about the heavier stuff. The grim, the gut-wrenching, the “life is beating me up” kind of energy. Which honestly explains why I haven’t been writing much at all, because that’s not the kind of vibe I usually like sending out into the universe.

But hey, I’m all caught up now. Emotionally bruised? Yes. Still standing? Also yes. So I figured, maybe we try a little mix today, a cocktail of humour and heartbreak. It might come out weird, bittersweet, maybe even cringe… but let’s see what we shake up.

So yeah, can we talk about heartbreaks today? I know most people would say “hard pass”..but me? My mind’s already made up.

Heartbreak has a funny way of making everything feel like it’s happening in slow motion. Days stretch, nights echo, and joy? Feels like a rumor you once heard. I saw a TikTok where this guy said that just before a car crash, there’s always that moment where time slows down,and honestly? I felt that. Because heartbreak’s kind of the same. Your body knows. It senses the hit before it lands.

I wanted to say, “Nobody gets into a relationship expecting it to end,” but let’s be real, some people do. People are crafty. You never truly know what’s going on in someone’s head or heart. So let me just speak for myself: I’ve never entered a relationship with anything but forever in mind.

What I don’t get is, why drag someone along if your heart checked out months ago? We’re adults. Speak your truth and move on. If you’ve stopped feeling it, say it. Don’t turn love into a code to decipher. Don’t make someone read between the lines while drowning. That’s not love, it’s emotional cruelty.

That kind of silence? That avoidance? It’s brutal. It’s disorienting. It’s disgustingly dysregulating. It stops the other person’s life mid-breath. And for what?

I know I said I’d try to sprinkle in some humour but honestly, what’s funny about sitting in your room, in pain, questioning your worth, begging yourself just to feel normal again? What’s funny about aching in places you didn’t even know could hurt?

Yeah… nothing’s funny about that.

But even in the thick of it, in the stillness after the storm, in the ache that wraps itself around your chest, there’s this quiet truth: you’re still here.

Still breathing.
Still feeling.
Still showing up for yourself, even in pieces.

And maybe that’s where healing begins, not in the absence of pain, but in the decision to keep living through it.

So no, I’m not okay yet.
But I will be.

And that’s enough for today.


So we save the humour for next time.

Cheers 🫶

PS: I know it felt like I was yelling throughout this write up ..lol

5 Everyday things that bring me happiness

“Honestly, just work on making your life worth the while, we’re only here for a short while”

I have a thing for windows and curtains..lol

Nature’s Magic

There’s something deeply soothing about being out in nature.

I haven’t explored the beach enough to say I’m a beach girl, but if you asked me right now, I’d pick the woods without a second thought.

Trees swaying gently in the wind, birds chirping their little hearts out, a waterfall humming in the background… that’s my kind of peace.

And let’s not forget palm trees,absolutely gorgeous.

Okay, truthfully, I don’t get to experience this every single day. So yes, maybe this was a little random. But I thought it was an everyday thing because it feels like home in my heart.

Then I reread the prompt and had a “wait a minute” moment. So I recalibrated. Now here goes…….


1.Family

(who knew?) If teenage me could hear this, she’d be rolling her eyes so hard. But here we are. These days, my family is my everything,my soft landing, my warmest blanket. My mom especially. The past month, she’s been helping me hold it together, piece by piece. And honestly, just knowing I have that kind of love? Fills me up in all the best ways.


2.Slow, Sweet Mornings

There’s a certain magic to my mornings when I’m home. The rhythm of routine, the comfort of our back porch, and the easy banter over breakfast, it’s golden. It’s what I miss most when I’m away.


3.A Damn Good Conversation

This one deserves a standing ovation. A genuinely good conversation? Oh, that’s soul food. I live for talks filled with energy, intent, curiosity, and heart. The kind where someone’s really listening and you’re really seen.


4.Learning Something New

There’s joy in growth. In little lessons tucked into ordinary moments. I’m always learning, always curious, and that constant discovery? Definitely lights me up.


5.Gratitude

This one’s the real MVP. I’ve been working on practicing gratitude for what feels like forever and lately, I’m all in. It changes everything. I swear, this is the cheat code to life.

All of me with love

In a world where I have been told, “don’t be too kind, don’t be too authentic, don’t love too much” I am choosing to be myself.

If I have to die out of the pain of being too kind, too authentic, too loving…
I’d rather die fulfilled than endure a life where I can’t be myself just to impress the masses.

This doesn’t mean I am naive though. I see things. I just choose to embrace all my parts. Authentically.