I am bawling my eyes out.
I wanted to write a diary entry so that I could cry really well.
I have been extremely excited about December. But I have not really gotten into hyping my birthday. I think I start now.
When I say this year did rounds on me, it genuinely did. I was telling a friend earlier that I’ve had very intimate time with God, and now I just need time to party. I said something like, “nataka sasa nipige sherehe moja ama mbili safi.” I was yelling on the voice note because my mom wasn’t around. I even told her, “I’m yelling because wenye nyumba hawako.”
When I tell you everything I envisioned for myself this year, I didn’t get any of it. As in any. Nothing. Zero. And yet, I also had this vision board that I unintentionally got printed out, and as I was looking at it this morning, I smiled. I’m trying to understand the disconnect between what I truly wanted deep within me… and how I can still look at my vision board and smile.
A lot of things went south. A lot of pain was felt. And I’ve grown an entirely thicker skin a very thick skin, honestly.
My birthday is coming on the 26th. I know I’ll write something then. I just want it to be calm and peaceful. Calm. Peaceful.
There has been so much beauty born out of pain this year. I have experienced extreme pain. I thought I knew pain, until I came face to face with it. I lived through it. I came out better.
I have pent-up emotions that I really need to release. I know it will happen whether I like it or not. Just like how I want to party hard I have no idea how this will happen, but it’s got to happen.
Last year I said, “This year didn’t turn out to be what I expected, but it turned out to be exactly what it should have been.” I maintain the same sentiments this year.
I’m turning a big girl’s age, and I promise I’m going to be the most childish adult because yes! I am the adult in my life right now. And so I want to excite the child inside me as she gets to explore the flowers growing in my chest for the first time. I want to live now. I recognize I have just been existing. I want to live, and I want to live out loud. In fact, I just might dye my hair a bright shade of re… crimson, maybe. I bet.
So technically, adulting is closed. I am about to celebrate my inner child for a very long time. A very long time.
And the number of times I’ve repeated this to myself is insane….
“Honestly, if I didn’t have to go through that, I wouldn’t be the person I am now. And I love the person I am now.”
Okay, I’m done bawling. I guess I’ll continue tomorrow… or maybe today marks the end of my meltdown for this year I don’t know.
Either way, my heart is just so full of gratitude. Despite everything, I love the version of myself I’ve met this year, and probably that is my biggest win of the year.
Cheers loves
Shadow to my light. 