Of strangers and stillness

I’m gaslighting myself into becoming my best version. Literally turning myself into my own muse. Alongside that, I’m exploring all my sides. I’m an introvert, and I’ve finally learned to own that, fully. That realization is actually one of my biggest motivators in this journey of self-exploration.

For context: I’ll never be a social butterfly… and I don’t even try to be. But I am sociable, yes, tooting my own horn here. Whenever I’m outside, people tend to be drawn to my energy. I figure it’s the kind face and the fact that I’m a good listener. Either way, it is what it is.

I’m out of the pits now, in case you were wondering. Back home to the calmer, brighter me.

A stranger recently drove to my place,  after a few phone calls.

Okay this is how it started. …. He said, “I love how you sound. I just love how you sound.” Not, “I love your voice” or anything. Just… how I sound. I asked, “Like an HR? Customer service?” He laughed and just repeated it: “I love how you sound.” I said, “Asante.”

After that, picking up his calls felt awkward. Every time, I caught myself wondering, how do I sound now?

He tried twice to come see me, but something always came up. The last time, I answered his call and said, “I’m puffy and exhausted and I can’t go past my bedroom.” He replied, “Sawa. I’m driving to Nairobi, hopefully I’ll see you on Tuesday.”

I didn’t say anything in return.

Tuesday came. That afternoon, I was giving this stranger directions to my home, which, by the way, is no small feat. Anyone who’s been here can vouch.

He got here though. And weirdly, I wasn’t nervous. I was floating. Just… going with the flow.
(I f*cking hate going with the flow. Why? Someone I love with all my everything once used that phrase on me and it shattered something inside. So yeah, me ‘going with the flow’ it tastes metallic in my mouth.)

I told him, “Ayee, this is my parent’s house, so I don’t really let people in.”
As if on cue from the universe, it started raining. I got in his car. He parked just outside our gate.

He counted my tattoos and said they were too many. He had tattoos too, but said he was in the process of removing them. Told me he was sober now. No drinking. I think he’s going through an awakening or something.

He asked, “Didn’t you say you were heading to the salon the other day?” I laughed,.people say that a lot since I got my sisterlocks. So I explained. He tried to justify himself and said, “I really appreciate girls who embrace being natural.” I laughed again.

That turned into a three-hour conversation. Non-stop.

He told me he’s an anxious person. I folded my arms and really listened. Felt awful when he said that sometimes he has the most brilliant thoughts, but the moment he stands before a crowd, his mind blanks. I understood. Then he said, “Anxiety is a sin,” and quoted Philippians: Do not be anxious about anything.

He said he wanted a woman who could help him grow and calm his nervous system. I nodded. We talked about anxiety for a long time. Talk about quantum physics… my own relationship had been put on hold because I was “too anxious.” So everything he said hit home.

In another life, or just under better circumstances, I might’ve held him and told him it’s all in his mind. That he’s a sweet soul. That no one is born anxious. And that healing is possible.

I showed him a TikTok. We talked about it. He’s not the superficial type. He’s intense. His language is filled with spirituality, universe, energies…

Toward the end of our long, winding chat, I told him I was broken. That I wasn’t looking for a relationship. At all.

He said it was obvious. “Don’t send long paragraphs or make annoying calls. None of that will change their mind.”
I said, simply, “I know.”

He said, “You’re pretty. I love how you package your words. Your energy is calming. I hope you heal soon.”

I swallowed hard and whispered a weak, “Thank you.”

After a pause, I said, “I’ve felt comfortable in your energy. I love deliberate conversations, and thank you for this.”
I meant it. It wasn’t courtesy. I was being honest. I can feel good souls and Sam was one.

I told him to ping me once he got to his destination. He didn’t. I didn’t expect him to.

Two days later, I texted him, asking if he got home safe. He responded quickly. I exhaled. Then I deleted his number.

I especially love how he didn’t try to poke at my wounds. He understands wounds.

He’s a good person. In another reality, he’s the kind of man I’d fall head over heels for in an instant. It’s weird what growth does to us. What growing older has done to me. It’s… wholesome.

That, right there, is the beauty of life.

Author: Miss Injairu

This is my best kept muse. Have fun. View all posts by Miss Injairu