Indebted to the oblivion

Heal! 

People would casually throw that word around for shade or fun. I was pretty much young. Still fumbling my way around everything. Come to think of it I have always felt old, no matter how young I was. So when I refer to myself as an old soul, I mean that literally. 

I was deep in a crisis. For a long while, I carried bitterness around like a crown. My mind was almost always overflowing with awful thoughts. Awful thoughts mostly about myself. At that time I didn’t have the language to define that. Most of us didn’t.

On the outside, I was always a ball of joy. Lol. I know I know. Okay I mean on the outside, you could never tell that there was a tornado happening on the inside. Constantly someone would randomly throw a “do you ever get upset” and I would return that with a smile knowing truly. 

I was a timid girl, technically I would keep to myself and stay in my head. Catch me dead standing up for myself back in the day. 

Thinking back now, at times I get really upset about the girl that I was. Just recently someone talked me against victimizing myself. That was another milestone into my healing. That’s how I was able to move past a lot of things. That’s how I was able to admit that in most circumstances I had a role to play. No matter how intense and unfair the circumstances were, I was always present at the scene you know.

Until around 2022,that is when I familiarized myself with what “heal” really meant. The dynamics and all. 

It is now 1:23 am. I just realized my healing journey started a while back. Way before I noticed that I was now coming face to face with my demons and I needed to address them one by one. And boy did I. 

The bitterness, the insecurities, the anger, the brain fog, the fatigue, constantly feeling lost, the confusion, the crazy decisions.. (I could go on for days) .. that was me finally coming home to myself. 

It was quite a journey to take and a part of me is grateful that I was oblivious of the journey, because if someone ever whispered to me what I was embarking on, I promise you I would never have taken any step into it. So yes I am forever indebted to the oblivion.

A long the way I also suffered a lot of humiliation. I betrayed people and I was betrayed in equal measures. The humiliation though. You know you are literally walking into a version of yourself you’ve never met before trying to truly find yourself. There’s no way to avoid humiliating circumstances. No, I no longer cringe to them in case you are wondering. In fact I speak boldly about them. Lol I ate the cringe and ran with it.

I am tattooed. I have little cute tattoos. I got them while I was trying to find myself. No, I do not regret either of them. I love them. I no longer stress about external validation. I know because I walk into rooms and people still cling to the person I was while I was still finding myself and it doesn’t drive me insane. 

Yooooh! 2022 straight into 2024 were tough years. When I was turning 27 I wrote “26 has mostly been for growing. Growth isn’t easy but it is genuinely worth it.” A daunting yet very rewarding journey. 

I am genuinely grateful that I familiarized myself with healing and everything else around it. 

I sit back and watch myself accepting all of me and I just marvel. I nod proudly at that unfolding. A beautiful unfolding.

Healing brought growth into the scene. Growth was worth it, but acceptance has been very rewarding. It totally stole the show I swear. 

Not everyday is sunshine and honey clearly, but at least everyday you know you have a soft landing, your true self to fall back on.

I also recognize that, it’s not a journey made for everyone and that is totally okay.

Sending love and light to everyone on their healing journey out there.