It is generally a good day.
I love it.
I woke up feeling better, waaaay better. I thank God for the good health that I’m continually walking into.
It has been a while since I just felt like myself. God, I do not take this for granted. I love what I’m feeling.
I am majorly grateful for the fact I am at a place where I am learning how to master my emotions and self regulate. I have moments when I’ll cry. That’s perfectly okay.
I don’t like it when people just decide to be mean for no absolute reason. Someone just decides to be a prick, but that’s on them right?
So I’m basically learning how to carry myself around such individuals.
Most of the time in my head, I can’t help but think “my God you are such a daft” when someone behaves outrageously.
Currently we are in a world where we have the right tools, we have enough language to express our concerns. A lot of things can be solved by simply just having a decent conversation. No insults, no mean words, no throwing around tantrums…I mean.
I disgraced I know.
A good number of people I interact with, usually say they like how I communicate.
I genuinely do not know what happens when it comes to my family. My communication skills go in the pits. I usually end up sounding like a senseless baby. With my family I just usually go on defense mode.
There’s probably something I need to unpack in there. I don’t like it whenever I go on defense mode like that. My values are sort of sweetly strange. Everyday I’m pulling myself out of victimizing myself. If there’s one thing I’m constantly grounding myself on, is taking accountability and being careful enough to see what role I played in situations.
It’s a blessing. I can’t even start explaining how much peace I get from that.
Maturity also, maturity to me revolves so much around authenticity. I want to bring out my authentic self. We all have aspects of being two faced once in a while and I am working everyday to limit mine.
In a very long while, I’ve been loud and proud about how I am African, but there was always something in there. I always wished for long luscious hair, blue eyes and all those standards of beauty that got set at one point. But I am working through that also. For a minute I think I just got so defiant and comfortable, I haven’t been putting in any effort when it comes to looking after myself appropriately. I just realized now my self esteem that I thought I was earnestly working to build has been on DND … literally. So I want to get better. So I want to be genuine and accepting about my being African. I want to earnestly accept my big nose, I want to accept my not so perfect hair, I want to adore my brown lazy eyes and my awesome East African forehead.
It’s wild. I have even been freaking out about stepping out with my boyfriend (He knows about this, we talked about it. He was so gracious 💖 He is my buddy we talk about everything). He loves the beach. He loves good places like Watamu, Zanzibar, Lamu etc.
You know the kind of places the white people like hanging out. So I always thought I would be so out of place and not comfortable.
Talking about it has genuinely helped.
I know city girls will think I’m such a let down, but calm down that’s my way of being authentic.
I love feeling things deeply. I want to be entirely comfortable when I visit a certain place and that’s why in case of any fears, no matter how cringe…I’m gonna talk about them.
Insecurities. Today, boyfriend said he’s gonna go to the gym and stretch a little because he has been a cabbage for several days.
I just used his exact words and I don’t understand what’s with him and cabbages. I was excited like “for sure babe because the cabbage was starting to stink already,” but I also told him, not to look at girls. Sounds silly, but I know we all get such silly and weird insecurities.
I quit my 9-5 job. I’ve said it here before. But I did and I appreciate that I did.
I know this is a conversation that was supposed to go inside my diary never to be read by anyone else other than myself.
In fact I just copy pasted it from my diary (I leave a screenshot for evidence),
but I know a fellow weirdo might relate, so let me just leave it here. We are healing our wounds together. We are gonna grow our confidence together mate
I know I also digraced so much but well😂☺️. This has been fun.
cheers
Oooh before I go, I just gotta say this I love that I can now talk to my mom about my boyfriend without any cringe.
It is the most freeing transition adulting has blessed me with, I wish I mastered it earlier enough but well☺️ I’m just so grateful. She is my person. I love you mom. (She doesn’t know I write private things in public forums but it just feels awesome hyping her a little)
Shadow to my light. 