Month: May 2023

Being stuck in auto-pilot and wanting to work on becoming a better person is genuinely the most awkward phase in adulting. The confusion is unmatched. One minute you are on your yoga mat thinking you have it all figured out and the next minute one glance at your bank account sends you crushing ( look at what I just did there, almost all our troubles always lead back to finances).

So at this point you are juggling between being a better human all around and becoming financially stable.  Your thoughts lead back to the same spot. You even amaze yourself by how you keep going round in circles haaha! It’s crazy, it’s a whole circus and your clown outfit is out of this world.

Most of the time it gets so heavy on you. Those are the times you feel the harsh reality of being stuck. (Occasionally when you can make light out of your troubles you will joke about what was entirely wrong with just hunting and gathering and chilling, because the civilization pace and madness is just too intense for you). But now you are here at this point and time and bold of you to think that civilization will stop just for you. You are also pretty much aware that time never stops for anyone, yeah because that’s another over used phrase.

You are genuinely aware of your major goal but you just do not know how to walk towards that. (Because apparently that ought to be the gate pass to success so they said).

You look around you and everyone else seems to be doing great (even “these kids” like how you always refer to everyone younger than you) but you…. Dammit!!! You cannot escape from the phase of the earth and you cannot even dare let your mind wonder towards suicide because “mama didn’t raise a quitter” haha you laugh at that irony.

At this point you decide to sit down with yourself and architect ways and means of getting yourself out of that s***t show. We all get to this phase don’t we? YES SURE I bet. Honestly even the most actualized have their moments.  (Now your mind has shifted to Nicki Minaj’s song moment for life.)

You catch yourself in the midst and you realize it’s such a high time you stopped living in your head. You make out two wild discoveries which include:

1. We do not have the monopoly on toxic destructive traits. In as much as it is hard for you to admit this, you do anyway, it is not always about other people. You have personally been killing yourself with all the toxicity you harbor towards yourself. The world and people around you have entirely nothing (well maybe just partially, rather a tiny bit) to do with your downfall or if you’ll be a little rude, your misfortunes. It lies within you. Your first assignment is working on your destructive traits. You put your all into it. You work on your bad bits. You deliberately try so hard to fix your view about yourself and the larger world. At this point you are pretty much aware of the fact that “every one of us is the sum total of what we think about” (Yeah you have done a good job of listening to motivational speakers and you’ve come to a realization that not all of them are as twisted and lame as you always thought). And so with that you start fixing your thoughts and how you view your own self.  Also from the same inspiration you realize that “you ought to raise above narrow minded pettiness” (Boy!! Today you decided to go hard on yourself). But damn! Have you been petty and narrow. The most pathetic reflection of that is, you have been playing victim and blaming external factors yet all along you’ve been the enemy.
2. Your second discovery is pretty much cliché “It is never that serious” hell yeah! You have been carrying so much weight on you, moving around with loads of bitterness, cursing the hell out of the world, yet the hack was just so simple. Working on your mindset. Get hold of the direction your thoughts lead you to. The mind. You notice that in a long time you have tried running away from the fact that, “Your mind can be your greatest enemy.” It has taken a lot of things falling apart for you to just come back home to your truth. Lol! You forgive yourself because anyways everything happens for a reason ( you laugh at that thought because you most often than not use that phrase to justify a lot of awful things you have allowed) But now you are ready, pretty much ready to conquer your mind ( you almost said the world right? Right).

You ruffle your feathers and challenge your mind’s status quo. You “you let them soar” and so you fly. At this point you are in control and they are soaring without limits and in all the directions that lead to positivity. That’s pretty much how you manage to fly yourself out of confusion and negativity. You have mastered the prowess and the power is within you. Viva.

Keep your mind where your body is.

Sounds so cliché right? Yeaaah I know. Only that lately I’m loving these cliché phrases. I’ve learnt to pay attention to them. Okay enough of wondering around can I have your attention for a minute. Thank you.

I am aware that we are all battling something at the end of the day. I mean no one has this life thing all figured out. It comes in waves. I have had the worst four days, I mean since the beginning of the year. It almost felt like I was having an out of body experience. Watching things unfold. Helpless. Trust me it wasn’t a beautiful sight to see.

First forward today being a Tuesday I am not at work. I didn’t have the bandwidth to just step out of bed and do what every adult does (getting up and showing up and faking smiles even when everything else is a shit show). I am grateful, I most definitely needed this.

I can’t quite recall when I lost touch with myself. I can shamelessly confess that I have only been floating through life. Either that’s another level to cowardice or maybe I’ve dealt with so much pain and I decided to just exist. I don’t know.

It took me going back home to myself to just realize how messed up things are. I won’t pull your leg here, it has been the most unsettling feeling.

I think my survival trick has been basically sweeping things under the rug but LOL, the joke is on me. Take it from me, never try that, why? Because at the end of the day all that dirty trash accumulates, it turns into bad filth and it begins to stink and you eventually must deal with it.

I honestly have no glimpse of how in this world I turned into this person. No idea how long it has been with me turning a blind eye to the things that I was supposed to be dealing with head on.

But out of all that introspection I came to one important realization. Being present is gold. It is one important thing you can ever want to be if you want to truly deal with this mystery of life. I promise you life is fleeting you might as well try living it and not just existing.