Month: February 2023

I looked at her, elated. I guess it was pure admiration I had for her. She had so much love to give. Her gaze told it all, behind those eyes there was a burning and a yearning I couldn’t fathom. It was a brave yet delicate gaze.

Clearly those beautiful hazel eyes had cried the most tears. Was it really worth it? I asked her… She pauses for a minute and then continues, “I honestly dislike that question,” haha! her honesty was so pure..and I was also counting the number of times she had used the word “honestly” since we started that conversation. She says she disliked that question because, she couldn’t help but get agitated at how people viewed being selfless as being stupid. ” and yes it was all worth it, every other time I sit down with myself, looking back I appreciate that at the end of the day I never made any heart bleed, I gave the best I could. It’s about my conscience, it’s about me. I wasn’t dumb.”

“If love ever crosses your path again would you still go for it?” She gave a stern yes. “I would still, fortunately and unfortunately people like us still exist.” I dug deeper for me to understand what she entirely meant with ‘people like us’. Boy!! This girl had been through it all. It’s always the pure ones that go through the most pain. I thought to myself as she continued with her narration.

She had other amazing ambitions. But somehow she had to pause a little on her journey, she needed to heal the wounds and patch back her broken pieces. Now she has beautiful scars. The scars she has, and trust me others are physical scars, they all have a deep story behind them. She is family oriented. It has been her childhood dream to one day have a beautiful family. She has her reasons why. Very valid and deep reasons.

She was a pure soul. Too real to be in this ruthless world. The cruelty she had endured, I went numb just listening to her. And for a minute I appreciated the heavens that I wasn’t like her. Though I honestly admired how she stripped naked when it came to her emotions. She expressed them with a genuineness that I’ve never heard of before.

Her vulnerability was powerful. I envied her here. That is something most of us will never have the courage to try. “But I guess I scare them away” She thought loudly to herself and I joined her in those thoughts, probably that was true, like how I would never want to go deep with my emotions, like how I preferred just being on the surface, maybe that’s how everyone else she had met on her journey was. Scared.

“But I am tired, my heart is weary now” she said as she moved from the spot we had been sitting on for what felt like an eternity, the wind was now becoming too massive.

She would chew in her sleep. I found that insanely hilarious. Even when she chewed in her sleep, she would still do it with modesty.

Occasionally when I was young, she would snap at me one too many times. No, do not get that wrong, she loved me so much. I learnt almost everything from her. I do not toss and turn when I’m asleep, I sleep so carefully. If I was to share a bed with you, trust me you’d wake up to confirm my presence. I promise you it wasn’t always like that. She instilled that in me, haha impolitely. As a kid I would wrestle in my sleep. Sleeping on one end of the bed and waking up on the other end. Holy molly if you happened to share the bed with me, your first stop in the morning would be the hospital. I was extra. Dear future husband you have her to thank for that. Several pinches here and there from her day in day out and I got back on track.

The first thing you’ll notice when you walk into my room is how carefully I fold my clothes, I kid you not. That’s still her. This one wasn’t a tough one for her to achieve, lol no! I’ll spare you the nitty grities on this one.

My early memory with her only goes back to when I was six. I do not recall much either. I later learnt that before that she was in and out of the hospital. She was a fighter. All the days leading from there I would spend every minute I could afford by her side. Trust me it’s not every day that she would enjoy my annoying presence. It’s only now that I’m realizing how much I was in her space. I can be clingy at times. I adored her. Most of the time I would do things just to win her acknowledgement.

She was a natural. The minute she walked into a room with her sparkly beautiful smile, people would just be drawn to her.She had a golden heart. Let me not start describing her smile because we might camp here for eternity.

I kid you not here, I’m yet to meet anyone who has a soft skin like she did. Her completion was a beautiful shade of caramel. Trust me I would give the world to have one of my daughters bearing that shade of dark ..dear future daughter haha okay don’t always take me seriously but I’m also not kidding. 😸😅

At one point when I was a teenager in form two (there’s something about form two that we are yet to discover). I could swear with my breath that I thought she hated me. No, she wanted the best for me and I am glad I learnt that early enough. And when I did, like a typical teenager, I bought a card. On the front it was written with a very beautiful font in blue and the words read, “Dear sister“. Inside I wrote “You are the best sister God ever gave me (attention please, I love all my sisters) you are my role model in almost everything and I know I haven’t been the best and for that I am writing this to apologize for all the times that I have disappointed you, ps: I love you to the moon and back.” I think down there somewhere I dedicated Justin Timberlake’s song “Mirrors” ..haha still a typical teenager of my days.

I thought the card probably meant nothing. A few months after her burial ceremony, when I’d at least mastered some capacity of going through her things without breaking down, I found the card.

She had kept it so well. Even the white envelope I had it in. Still with the funny graphics in touch. The card mattered to her. Probably the words in it meant something to her like they did to me. I held the card to my chest and I started grieving anew. I had so much love still towards her that I wanted to shower her with.

She was an angel this one. She treasured any little thing someone would give her. That is something worth taking home.

Up to now we are still clearing her things. Most of which, gifts she would receive from people. Gifts that I am aware that the people who gave her, never imagined she would hold them that dearly. Hey dear I hope you kept that sparkly beautiful smile, for me I am still trying to match your modesty. Still trying to ditch the rugged trousers that you hated, still trying to be a lady, hang on I’ll tell you more about me later. Adios.