I started with accepting that he’d dived into a space of resenting me. I had seen it coming, so accepting didn’t hurt so badly. Plus I had promised myself not to do the pity party thing again. I had approached the entire situation from a totally wrong perspective, I knew it from the start. It was easy knowing that because I had decided to take a different course from the moment I’d called my previous relationship quits. I really wanted to be alone for some time, not for any selfish reasons, not for the freedom to hop from Jack to Kevin but to really work on myself, sounds so cliché right? As cliché as it sounds, it would have been the greatest thing I would have done to myself. Getting out of that shell, a shell I had allowed myself to be stuck in for so long.
After my previous relationship ended, at that moment when reality sunk in, I knew I had a lot of working on myself to do, It didn’t come as great a deal, for once I was putting myself first, and again I repeat, there’s totally nothing selfish about putting yourself first. It was such a toxic space I had been in, and it’s only hitting me now how much I really underestimated the intensity of the damage. I had known for so long that I was supposed to end it, but I’m just me, I continuously thought to myself, “try a bit harder, try some more maybe at one point things might miraculously take a good twist.” Each passing day I paid attention to that silent voice inside my head beckoning me to just continue hurting in hope for a change.
I really did some massive work of giving another human being the chance to hurt me, physically, emotionally and psychologically. Trust me no exaggerating, I had the physical and emotional wounds to nurse, quite a task if you’d ask me now, but I didn’t realize it then. Eventually I managed to corner that silent voice inside my head. I finally called it quits, yaay. It was liberating just to say the least. The scars I had amassed were supposed to serve as lessons. For a while they did.
The one problem that I’ve discovered about myself is that, I go through lessons, harsh lessons, critical lessons that leave me so worked up and beat, and I end up wasting those lessons, I never put them to practice. See that student who forgets literally everything, no not really forgets, but ignores and sits on everything they’ve learned and eventually throws the books away, now that’s me. ”I’m done with giving my best to people, it’s time to give that best to myself” so I thought to myself. Again it was honestly very liberating to think of that.
I came up with a plan, a list of things that I really needed to work on. I kept on swearing to myself” don’t you dare get into any relationship whatsoever until you are really back on your feet, emotionally, psychologically and financially”. I was strategically very honest on the financially bit. I wanted to really have something on me, like the ability to get an uber for myself without asking for the money from the son of man like “hey don’t worry I can get my own ride and pay for it,” more of having my cake and eating it, hehe! no pun intended, or the ability to have my own space, a place that I was personally paying for, a safe space for me and my stupid thoughts without being subjected to any prejudice. Ever since I was a kid I always desired to be an independent woman, life has its way of playing us foul. My desire still lives on though, because I’m so certain it’s going to happen either way.
I thought I had it all figured out. It was such a beautiful moment alone, peace had taken over. I kept asking myself why I never realized that being out of relationships came with some good benefits. I had my equilibrium so balanced at that time. No constant need to check my phone, no insecurities and the most amazing bit was there was no pain at all, no hurting. So I told myself “fuck relationships I was probably designed to be on my own”.
Fast forward, before a month elapsed I was already in another relationship, yikes yes “bitchy right?” not only bitchy but also very unwise. I can’t really figure out how in such a twinkle I had forgotten all the promises and the beautiful plans I had made for myself. It hurts to think of that now.
Some wounds hadn’t even healed, yes both the physical and the emotional wounds. I ain’t pulling your leg when I talk of the physical wounds, I had some good deal of scratches and wounds that were slowly turning into scars. Apart of me feels like, probably I didn’t realize it, but I wasn’t good at being alone, I was afraid of being alone, for reasons I haven’t really summed up. There I was again getting my sweet self into another relationship. Everything happened so fast. I don’t want to say it like “in the heat of the moment” no, I had the choice of using my brains but I simply chose not to. I don’t really know what demon had possessed me. I don’t really know if it’s right for me to say that I acted on emotions and the pain of disappointment. What I know is that history did repeat itself, I made the same old mistake. Or I thought there wasn’t really a time frame for one to land herself a prince charming and I had landed myself one so I wasn’t going to risk watching him slip away. The joke is on who again? Though there are those of us who were just born lucky, cupid got them before they were born.
Yes, I did really repeat the same mistake from my past. The difference here was with my past I had the confidence, I had the security to deal with anything, I still had it together, moving on to this I was empty and spent so I literally depended on the other party to pick up my broken pieces. It’s only now that I’m realizing that. In spite of going against my plans I was also rendering myself powerless. Never let a person know too much about yourself because take it from me they are sure going to use that against you when the time is right, for me nowadays I pass as a fool, everything I say or do is considered baseless. Story for another day though.
I over opened up(ha if that’s a word really, over opened up) to this other guy, let’s call him Chi. Not entirely my fault, I now know that I should not only have engaged my emotions only, I should also have incorporated in some brains. Chi was nice, really nice. A listener, I’m a listener myself so I usually appreciate a person who not only listens to me, but hears me also. It’s really awful that I’m realizing so many important things now. Let me take you back a bit. When I got out of my other relationship, I can say I dealt with so much on my own, I didn’t wallow neither did I have anyone to vent to. I kind of closed off. So here I am, with Chi, a total stranger, and I just felt safe talking to him. So I told him stuff, stuff he was probably better off not knowing but I did spill the beans anyway.
Everything happened so fast, all this time I don’t really know what was driving me, but I honestly felt safe with Chi. For a moment all my fears and pain were numbed. Just numbed. I was thinking to myself of how lucky I just had got. Everything was so nice and sweet as it always is at the beginning. Did I ever stop over opening up you ask, nooo I never stopped in fact it grew bad, how do we call the worst case of over opening up? Ahhaaa. I grew needy, remember I said I left it all to him to pick up my pieces, worst mistake ever. Whichever place life throws you, just try, and make sure you have it in you to pick yourself up, no matter how long it will take you, just gather those pieces together by yourself. Be your only person.
In my previous relationship I somehow had managed to get a hold of my emotions. I cried less, and everything that was thrown at me I received with some sort of maturity, the insults, the beatings and much more. With Chi my emotions have been a mess, I’ve shade so much tears I cannot even fathom. See what happens when you don’t allow yourself to heal? Yes I’ve been an emotional wreck. On top of it all I’ve done a great job of embarrassing myself out of giving it all and not leaving some for myself..I really held Chi on a high pedestal. Every time I lost it, I had this very awesome confidence about him, that he was very understanding man “he gets me,” I constantly told myself, not like I took that fore granted no, I’ve really tried working on myself I can say I really did speed it up with myself, heaven knows how much damaging my previous relationship was. He promised he was going to be patient with me, I promised him I’d make sure to work on myself real fast, see we had a deal. Seems like neither of us kept there end of the bargain. I don’t know how long one can put up with someone else emotional mess, but what I sure know is that healing doesn’t just happen within a fortnight, it’s a process that takes time, especially when you’re doing the healing while trying to work on a new relationship.
Being in a space where you’re entirely misunderstood is another kind of pain. It’s on another level this sort of pain. Especially if you didn’t see it coming in the first place. In my head I had this beautiful view of how awesome things were going to be, he did give the impression of a good man, for that I was determined to give him my best, see me giving out my best again. Now it’s slowly blowing up on my face, in total slow motion, every day comes with its fair deal. How about we just presenting ourselves for who we really are, that way we give the other party the option to choose wisely whether she is ready to have a thing with a total asshole or not. Should I do that thing again? Hanging on with a hope of things taking a good twist? It’s usually easy hanging on when you don’t feel undermined, when in between it all, you feel valued. I know to some extent I am to blame but God knows how much it really hurts. But for Christ sake in as much as I was over opening up, I also did it out of goodwill, I wanted Chi to really understand where I was coming from and where I stood, I thought It would have made things a bit easier. Giving myself time is the only thing that would have made things simpler, so give yourself time.
No more respect, no more spark. He looks at me and his stare is blank, I try searching for some sort of spark in those stares but there ain’t any. Going to bed without one saying a word to the other, not even in my wildest dreams with Chi did I ever see this coming? I can’t even express myself out anymore, at the end of it all he takes it wrong and it ends up bad. I can’t help but think all he had for me was a wild crush, and now he doesn’t know how to tell me that he doesn’t love me anymore, It’s easy for a girl to see through a guy. Does all this hurt, honestly yes, It really kills me to think that I was honestly so wrong about the entire thing. In spite of all the pain going on inside, I’m still not going to sink into that pity party thing. Yes I will allow myself to go through the pain and disappointment, I will go through whatever I will have to go through, but I won’t allow any space to feel sorry for myself, I will be picking my lessons though, hoping this time I’ll learn to put them into practice and again its entirely okay to be wrong at times.
Shadow to my light. 