So, I know I’ve casually mentioned my mom here…my literal heart.
But I don’t think I’ve ever really spoken about my dad. My first love.
Lately, I’ve been having these little moments that keep showing me just how much I’m my father’s daughter. He reads a lot. The other day he chuckled and said, “I value books. Can you imagine, at my age, I still read this much?”
I smiled. And all I said was, “Books are valuable.” Believe it or not, sometimes I am a woman of few words.
My dad is the only human I can comfortably exchange books with. No pressure. No need to explain myself. Just trust. He usually chuckles and says, “Eiy, you’re all about volume.”
He’s a brilliant orator I’m sure it’s the years of reading. I quietly watch how he carries words, and I know I want to learn that too. I want to articulate myself that cleanly, that deeply. And one day, when my future husband finally meets him, they’ll have a beautiful conversation full of wit, full of wisdom. My dad listens well. He always has.
He’s a writer too. I haven’t read much of what he’s written not officially. But I know. The only piece I’ve ever read from him was my late sister’s eulogy.
I did the pre-reading for him. It broke me. It was simple no fluff, no jargon. But every word knew where to land. I also read it aloud during her burial. It was meant to stay with me. It breaks my heart that I lost it.
Well he loves a good whiskey too. Talk about an apple not falling far….
One day, I’ll write more about him. I’ll probably write endlessly.
But for now I’ll just say this: Even after all these years, he’s still my first love.
And if you’re lucky enough to have someone like that in your life a quiet constant, a gentle guide hold them close, won’t you?
Wishing you a soft and soul-filled week ahead.
(I was getting him a book and just realized my library keeps growing smaller. Why do people steal books from others like that, lakini? 🤣 Si now we have those “dummy thingies” for decorating your fake bookshelves with. For pit’s sake stop stealing my books!)
Well I kept my flex short and brief. Learn from me my friends!
Growing up in a family set up where both parents are there but major responsibilities are carried out by only one parent and in this case its a bit out of the normal because the parent making sure that things in the family are running smoothly is the mother.
This is quite different from a case where it is solely a single mom, because here, most things are defined and a little clear. In the case where the father (husband) is there but plays zero role, now here is where the mess is. Especially when he is honestly financially stable (monied) but you as the family never see what his money does or rather where he takes the money.
Most mothers being nurturers, you will find them doing the most to keep the family together. Most moms are just super humans ( not to be biased though). They will honestly make things happen, they will ensure things are moving in the family.
In most instances, they happen to operate within a very meagre salary scale as compared to their husband’s.
Such situations where the mom now takes up the role of the dad usually have diverse effects on the children in most instances. In such a set up you will find the mother abandons her most important role (andthis a personal judgement) of ensuring that kids grow up with the right morals and principles.
She will be so engulfed in making sure that at the end of the day there is food on the table, bills are sorted, ensuring security at home bla bla and the list goes on. She basically shoulders on more than she can bear. In most instances what does that yield? Depression.
Most millennials have grown up in such family set ups. Did most of our mothers spot the redflags in the early stages of their marriages? Yes they did. They chose to stay anyway. Why? Society.
Back in the day society was a little bit harsh on women who would make the bold decision of walking away from toxic marriages. Phrases like “a woman is theone responsible for making her own home.” (Home in this case being an ailing and toxic marriage.)
Another reason most of them chose to stay was “for the sake of the kids.” Detrimental if you ask me. That kids should grow up with a father figure. I agree, but what was the entire point of this when the father was technically never there to begin with?
Let me take you back a little on my point about society, society simply just had a way of degrading women who gave up on their marriages. To the eye of the society, this women were outright immoral. Heartbreaking. I am aware that up to this age and time we barely pay attention to the downfalls of the man. Mostly the woman would and will always be on the receiving end.
With such messed up family set ups, most children ended up carrying a lot of baggage into adulthood.
Confidence, self-esteem issues, morals and basic life skills are some of the important virtues that should be instilled in Children. Now what happens when the mother is wallowing in the business of shouldering all the family burden on her own? She basically barely has time even for her own well being. At that opportune moment, mostly such things do not really matter much to her. She simply has so much more going on inside her.
So as a kid in such a dynamic, no one pays attention to you. Yes you grow up being grateful that you have your parents, in fact you tend to over glorify your absent father. Trying so hard to prove your worth to him. Very gut wrenching.
Years go by and you turn into a teenager, adolescence and all those changes start setting in. Other than the things taught in school, which by then were very scarce if you ask me the child has basically no other place to learn from. Teenagers need their parents bigtime. You know, being talked through the changes occurring in your body, the challenges and the importance of valuing yourself. Self worth.
In this case where does the mother find the time for all that? In between early mornings and getting back in the evening, beat and frustrated and most of the time irritable, all she wants to do at this point is to rest and be away from everything and everyone. This quite makes the daily routine.
I salute all the moms who have had to encounter such dynamics. Hell what if they chose to sit back!! Some of us won’t have made it past primary school. Personally, I am grateful.
Sadly after it all, most of us tend to feel the effects of having an absent father later on in our adult life. We soldier on regardless.
Shadow to my light. 