Chapter 4 of 12

Earlier this year, on the first of January, I think I was in the middle of a meltdown when I had a conversation with my friend Winny (hey, brown eyes).

And one thing she kept repeating stayed with me….
“Life is fluid.”

I’m glad she didn’t just say it once. She insisted on it.

She also reminded me not to suppress my emotions to let myself feel.

That entire conversation felt like a warm hug I didn’t know I needed.

And from that moment, I made a quiet decision….
to feel every emotion that asked to be felt…
without necessarily acting on it.

Since then, I’ve been moving through life celebrating something I’m genuinely proud of, learning how to regulate my nervous system, even in the middle of chaos.

And in the grand scheme of things, I have.

But somewhere along the way, I didn’t realize that what felt like regulation…
was sometimes just me bottling things up.

In February, a lot happened.

I remember writing that I had felt everything I needed to feel.

I was wrong.

I had buried some of the most important emotions, the ones that actually needed my attention. I was so focused on being “okay” internally that I didn’t allow myself to be human enough to be upset about the things that had genuinely broken me.

So in March, I said something simple…
“God, surprise me.”

And I allowed life to be fluid.

Yesterday, I wrote on my WhatsApp status…
“I’ve killed the ego and worked on my nervous system. Magic.
I don’t entertain performance. Here, it’s about being. Not performing…….”

But the truth is… my heart wasn’t okay when I wrote that.

I was in pain.

And that scared me a little.

Because I don’t want to go back to the version of me that lived in anxiety and overthinking. I like to believe I’ve paid my dues there. In full.

I went to bed sad, thinking I’d wake up feeling better.

I didn’t.

I woke up heavy.

And in an attempt to steady myself, I told myself the same thing I’ve said a thousand times……
“If things hadn’t happened the way they did, you wouldn’t be who you are now.”

And yes, that’s true.

But it doesn’t cancel out the pain.

I got up, went through my routine, and got to work, …holding back tears the entire time.

At some point, I lost my cool on a phone call with a carpenter who had been lying to me since Sunday. I raised my voice. I hate unnecessary lies.

Immediately after, I knew I could have handled it better.

It doesn’t happen often, but it happened.

And I reminded myself…I’m still human.

Later in the afternoon, I went into my room and finally let it out.
I cried. Fully. Not pretty.

I don’t fully understand people who shut down. I don’t think I do that.
But I try to extend grace to those who do.
Still, I find myself wondering..
when someone shuts down… does everything shut down with it?
Empathy? Awareness?

I don’t know.

But what I do know is this….
my greatest fear right now is causing someone else pain.

After crying, I tried writing in my diary, but nothing made sense.

So I spoke to myself out loud.
I reminded myself that no one owes me anything.
That I need to stop trying to control what isn’t mine to control.
That I need to let go of attachments, of expectations, of quiet wishes I’ve been holding onto that no longer serve me and have shown me long ago that I shouldn’t be holding on to them.

And in that moment, I saw it clearly..
Life is fluid.

I feel overwhelmed.

But I also feel relieved.

There were truths I had been avoiding without even realizing it.

Layers I thought I had already peeled back.

I hadn’t.

And today was heavy but necessary.

I’m glad I faced it.
I’m glad I broke down.
I’m glad I let go of the quiet fantasies I didn’t even know I was holding onto.

Life is truly fluid.

And for April, I want the same thing I asked for in March….
God, surprise me.
Because despite the overwhelm, I have truly lived.
I’ve become more present. And I wouldn’t trade that for anything.

So just like before, I’m ending the month with a heart full of gratitude.

And hopefully, next time I’m frustrated… I’ll remember not to scream.

Oh…..and yesterday morning, in the middle of a conversation, I said something that stayed with me…
“At some point, you have to make loneliness your friend.”
And honestly… yes.

Meanwhile,
I speak ease and abundance into April.

Cheers.