Into chapter 29

I turn 29 today.

That’s the whole point. 

I’m turning a new age. I was talking to a friend last night, and somewhere in between she said, “It’s an hour to your birthday.” I told her, “Wacha nidoz haraka kabla birthday yangu inipate.”

I slept. Peacefully. Because I spent the day galavanting around my village and following kids around.

Speaking of kids as I was seated in church, a small lovely girl who was sitting just in front of me kept turning back to stare at me. Maureen told me, “Pea huyu mtoto sweety.” I grabbed a sweet from my handbag and handed it to her. I was keen to notice that the sweet didn’t excite her. But eventually, she yielded to her intrusive thoughts.

She stood up, walked to where I was sitting, sat beside me, held me by my waist from the back, and rested her head on my shoulder like it was the most natural thing for her to do. She kept squeezing my side, like it was an exhale for her, like she just needed a shoulder to lean on.

I felt awkward at first because, as clingy and touchy as I am, that’s usually reserved for very specific people. Of course, I love kids and somehow, they are always drawn to me. I had a little pep talk in my head and told myself, “If she’s comfortable here, then I’ll just leave her alone.” And I did.

She traced every bit of skin that showed. She touched my tattoos like they were the most delicate pieces of art she had ever come across. Then she touched my other hand. Then she kept looking at my collarbones. Then my nails. She asked, “Hizi ni makucha zako?”

I told her, “Hapana, ni bandika.”

That was basically the first thing she said to me after all the touching.

Then she moved to my hair. She tried pulling it probably to confirm whether it was real. I squeaked, “Ouch, hiyo ni uchungu.” She stopped pulling, and as if to make it up to me, she removed the accessories from her hair and clipped them onto mine.

Then she went back to holding my waist, squeezing every so often.

She looked at Maureen, who was seated just on the other end, then asked me, “Huyu ni sisterako?”

I nodded, “Yes.”

She looked like she had something else to say, but I guess she decided not to. She continued squeezing my waist. At one point, she tried tracing my bra line that felt intrusive, but I let her.

I tried making small talk with her. I can’t quite recall her name (this is my greatest weakness the moment someone tells me their name, it’s like I forget to listen. I forget faces and places easily too).

Anyway, I asked her where she comes from. She mentioned a place I can’t remember, but she said she was visiting her grandma around my village. I told her, “Nice.”

Then I asked if the dress she was wearing was her Christmas dress. She nodded enthusiastically. I smiled at her and told her she looked lovely.

I got us a snack and she wanted us to exchange. I politely told her, “Sahi mikono yetu ni chafu, so hatuezi exchange.” She just held hers in her hand. I don’t know if she doubted how safe it was or maybe her mum had lectured her about not accepting things from strangers. But I wasn’t a stranger to her. I bet she knows me from her previous life.

Then something came up and I told her I’d see her around. That’s how I lost her. And I keep thinking, I wish I had held her back. I should have given her a hug before I left. 

Anyway, I slept so peacefully.

I woke up to a call from Adoli. God bless his soul. Then I checked my phone and found an M-Pesa message from Joyline. I went online to text her and found she had left a very short, thoughtful message and that’s when it happened. I broke down. Not cute. The ugly kind.

This girl… I could say so much about her. Someday, I will. May God bless her for me.

In the middle of breaking down, my phone pinged it was Marvin Otieno Okung’u, my campus best friend. This one saw me through the most. He was BJM/1004… I was BJM/1005. He sang Happy Birthday to me and wished me a good day. My heart melted. And after hanging up, I felt guilty because I never wished him anything on his birthday.

I jumped onto YouTube to listen to “I Have a Father” by Chandler Moore my latest favourite, thanks to Adoli.

Then my cousin Linda called and boom she started singing. She has such an angelic voice.

And honestly, that’s how my day started.

On the 20th, I wrote and said I wanted today to be peaceful and calm. That’s my essence.

These simple joys the calls, the singing, the message all the way from Liverpool,.. these are the things that make me, me.

You know, I wanted to sleep before 12:00 a.m. last night because I didn’t want to cry. But I’m Valary, and I cry at everything.

This has been quite a year and everything I encountered, I needed it. Well, apart from that one night I went out with a friend in Kisii and somehow we lost each other and I didn’t have my phone. I could have died that night. The trauma. I’ve never spoken about it but I will, someday.

The few times I went off on people and later realized I could have acted better.

Watching myself slowly move from a temperamental mess to a regulated soul.

The fact that I no longer wear overthinking and anxiety like a badge of honour.

That nowadays, I don’t run away from mirrors …in fact, I love mirrors. I talk to my reflection more than I talk to people, honestly. I see myself.

That there’s no trace of bitterness or anger within me. I don’t know how this happened, but my heart is so full of peace. 

Nowadays, I’m aware of my thoughts. I can literally stop a thought, or pay attention to it, sit with it, observe it, and not lose myself. I’ve met myself. I know thoughts are just things.

I know it all begins in the mind.

And to random little sweet children who walk into my space and show me so much love thank you.

To everyone who has contributed to my growth this year, I say Asante sana. 

To lovers and friends who turned into strangers a long the way, I wish you nothing but peace and love.

28 has been about shadow work. That’s everything I can account for. And I am so proud that I survived it. And for the millionth time this month, I love the person I am now so, so much.

So happy birthday, Val. May your 29th year be full of EASE, FLOW, ALIGNMENT, ABUNDANCE, and JOY. And play hard… because this is your last stretch in your 20s.

I love you. I see you.

Side note…..Later in the evening, I met the girl from church again and joked about her buying me fries. I was exhausted, thinking about showering and cooking pilau for my people. I hope she grows into the angel she already is. I hope the world doesn’t deal her with extremes.

And that’s how I transitioned from 28 to 29.

Grateful.

Love and light, loves.