Month: June 2023

Friendship goes deep. It is not as shallow as we always make it sound or feel. “We went to school together” we are schoolmates, that doesn’t mean that we are friends. “We work together,” we are colleagues, the fact that we are colleagues doesn’t qualify us to be friends and I promise you that’s genuinely okay.

We lose our authenticity trying to feed into friendships that are non existent. We ought to stop living in pretense. Am I a victim? Absolutely yes. I have fallen into patterns where I would refer to everyone I know as a friend.

I will not even try sugar coating this, but having friends is not as easy as we make it sound. It involves a lot of energy, commitment and effort.

Like a romantic relationship. Friendship equally needs to be nurtured.

Saying this out loud will somehow sound awful, but I have struggled when it comes to keeping and maintaining friendships. We all do. Recognizing that is of great essence and I genuinely think that it is still very humane to struggle with finding our way around friendships.

We do not talk often about how it is insanely tough to find people who match our energy. I am intense and deep. I am critical and over analytical. It is tough forming friendships when you are on the sensitive side of the spectrum. Occasionally I come out as awkward, weird, petty and dumb to people who don’t get me. This has been tough for me. It has made me question a lot of things about myself and I think that’s too much a price to pay when it comes to the journey of friendship. When you find yourself questioning your worth, you’d rather keep to yourself.

I feel like I should say this while yelling and standing at the top most floor of a storey building that goes extremely high. When was the last time you were a good friend to yourself? Charity begins at home right? Yes. Go home to yourself and analyze the friendship you have with yourself. Is it good? I do not think it ever works, you trying to be a good friend to everyone else yet you are in an awful conflicting relationship with yourself. It should begin from within.

Talk to yourself with grace. Grace should start from within. Find yourself. It’s okay for you to isolate yourself from the rest of the world and just work on your relationship with yourself. I know doing that might lead into you losing friends. I promise that’s okay. Losing friends could actually mean that you are evolving. Growth.

Being in a space where you are graceful with yourself clearly allows space for you to be self aware.

Self awareness is a road map to a lot of things if not everything. Being in a space where you understand yourself well enough, will outright allow you space to find your clan. To find people you genuinely align with.

It has been said one too many times that no man is an island and that friendship basically forms a greater percentage of being human. My two cents on this is that, not everyone is designed for the realm of friendship. We shouldn’t let social constructs blind us into believing that being a loner is a crime.

Still friendships are beautiful.

Have you fallen prey to this? Absolutely yes. We all have.

I genuinely do not know what to make of it. From a personal perspective, I think seeking external validation can be damaging. It comes from a place of low self esteem, self doubt and lack of confidence.

It’s not everyday that we wake up and we are buzzing with life. It’s human nature to be burned emotionally and I know during those times we might use a word or two to bolster our mood.

That shouldn’t mean that we become all dependent on that.

We should learn to speak to ourselves with confidence. I do not know if you’ll agree with me here but seeking external validation eats into our abilities.

So what happens when everyone around you isn’t clapping for you anymore? Do you stop pushing? Do you stop trying?

All I’m saying is we should learn to appreciate ourselves. We should not wait for external sources to remind us about how great we are.

We should have a solid reflection of ourselves.

It is definitely a Monday and there’s always a certain feel to Monday.

I don’t have much worth saying today.

I have been in my head for the better part of the day. That means I’ve barely been productive.

I’ve questioned a lot of things. You know from my abilities, to my worth and my appearance.

I don’t want to wake up with this energy tomorrow. The goal is to live a calm life. Having all these noises inside my head won’t help a thing about that.

My greatest enemy is this imposter syndrome. I don’t understand why it will just never leave me alone.

I hate it. It is stealing away from me too much. It is stealing all my treasures. It’s taken a great toll on my abilities.

Why am I letting it win though? This is worth pondering over.

I should get over it.

I will wake up tomorrow ready to deal with it.

And we are definitely going to have this conversation about the imposter syndrome some other day. For the purpose of growth.

Cheers.

In a few months, I’ll be celebrating my 27th birthday. It’s quite an astonishing realization when I stop to think about it. The phrase “time flies” is often tossed around casually, but I’m now experiencing its truth in the most profound sense.

Reflecting on my past years stirs up a whirlwind of emotions. Do I find joy in the passing years, the maturing and growth that come with age? Absolutely, I do. It’s an evolution, much like a fine wine maturing in a cellar.

However, one pang of regret tugs at my heartstrings – the feeling that I’ve somehow let my younger self down. The feeling that she’s missed out on truly living, that too many years have been consumed by worry and overthinking. I can’t rewind the clock, but I can reach out to that 17-year-old version of myself, in the hope of offering some wisdom and comfort.

Dear younger me,

Fresh out of high school, you have your entire life laid out in front of you. The boarding school years, which felt more like punishment than opportunity, are behind you. You chose that path, yet you can’t help but regret it.

You’re brimming with potential, with the world at your fingertips. But do you seize the opportunity? You’re an introvert by nature, quiet and reserved. Others label you as ‘timid’, and over time you start to believe that’s all you are.

You yearn to express yourself, to articulate the kaleidoscope of thoughts spinning inside your head, but words elude you. Your mind, though a beautiful maelstrom of creativity and emotion, feels like a heavy burden. Your silent pleas for help go unnoticed, drowned out by the clamor of the adult world.

You’re only 17, but you’ve already faced more than your fair share of hardships. You’ve become adept at concealing your pain, not wanting to burden those around you. On the few occasions you’ve tried to voice your feelings, your cries fell on deaf ears, leading you back to your world of silence.

You’re different from the typical rebellious teenager; you adhere to rules, finding solace in the predictable world of soap operas. They become your roadmap to romance, shaping your understanding of love and relationships.

Over time, you lose sight of your self-worth. You wish you could mirror your siblings or friends, and in doing so, you lose your unique identity. Unbeknownst to you, such thoughts slowly chip away at your confidence, leading you down a path of people-pleasing and self-doubt.

My dear younger self, I, your future 27-year-old self, am reaching out to ask for your forgiveness. Forgive yourself for the mistakes you made when you were still learning about the world and yourself. I’m here to reassure you that you are now safe, and that your worth was never up for debate. You matter.

I regret the times you spent wallowing in sadness, wishing you could be someone else. Let me remind you: you are a unique masterpiece. Your introverted nature is not a flaw, but a strength. Your silence can be powerful, but remember that you now have a voice.

I apologize for the hardships you had to face at such a young age, but let me reassure you once again: you are safe. It’s time to shed that victim mentality and embrace the resilience that lies within you.

Now, I invite you to join me on this journey of self-discovery and growth. Let’s live our life to the fullest, with the wisdom of our past guiding us to a brighterfuture.

Sending you love and light,
Your Future Self.